The Zombieslayer

What do you do if you have undead in  your basement? Well, I wrote this up years ago.  Click here.  There.  Now don’t tell me I don’t do anything for you.

All right brothas, let me share some tips with you on pimpin’. In a recent survey, yours truly was ranked 18th in the world on men who understand women.

Now, you might be thinking that 18th isn’t very impressive. Let’s put this in perspective. That’s out of three billion males, and of the seventeen ahead of me, one was Hugh Hefner, one was Wilt Chamberlin, one was Tom Lykis, one was Prince, and the others were people who didn’t want to be named for one reason or another. So it would be in your best interest to heed my wordage, yo? And yes, I beat out Snoop. He gets girls because of his fame and money. You don’t seriously think it’s for his looks, do you?

This is tip #1 in a series of tips on pimpin’. This one requires patience, something that many of you do not have. Fear not though, because you could be working several leads on the side without disclosing.

This only works with really hot women. See, hot women are used to getting what they want. They never have to buy drinks. They never have to do their own homework. They know not the meaning of hard work. They also have yet to meet their match. Their match - will be you.

Get to know her. Become friends with her, but make it clear you’re not interested in “that” way. Make her interested in you, but once again, I emphasize make it clear you’re not interested in her “that” way.

However, you’re interested in her friend. Yeah, she’s a real cutie and it would be great if she could set the two of you up. This is the tricky part. Women, especially hot women, hate competition. They especially hate it when it’s their friend. Do not pick their plain friend, but pick one that is almost as hot as she is. Take out that friend on a date, to your place, with candlelight, a nice bottle of wine, and a dinner you prepared. If you need to learn how to cook like a Pimp, that’s my other course and it’s only $199.00 plus shipping and handling, but let’s not change the subject.

When the date is over, you absolutely must kiss her, but not go any further. Immediately call your “friend” and tell her all about it. It will boggle her mind why you picked her friend over her and she’ll melt in your hand like butter.

You have a good job if you can listen to music at work.
You have a really good job if you make music at work.
You have a great job if you get paid to make music at work.

You have a good job if you can safely view porn at work.
You have a really good job if you email each other porn at work.
You have a great job if your boss emails you porn at work.

You have a good job if you go out for drinks with your co-workers.
You have a really good job if you’ve seen a bunch of your co-workers intoxicated.
You have a great job if you’ve done karoake with your co-workers while intoxicated.

You have a good job if you go to the movies with your co-workers.
You have a really good job if you make movies with your co-workers.
You have a great job if those movies you make can’t be shown to children.

You have a good job if you go with co-workers to see strippers.
You have a really good job if one of your co-workers is a stripper.
You have a great job if that co-worker gives you lap dances at work.

When I’m an old man, I’m going to have a fat tobacco pipe and blow smoke rings like Gandalf.

When I’m an old man, I’ll go to a restaurant wearing shorts and knee high black socks.

When I’m an old man, no matter how good the service is, I’ll find something to complain about.

When I’m an old man, I’m going to sexually harass hot young waitresses, but get away with it because I’m an old man and they’ll just laugh because they’ll know they’ll get a good tip.

When I’m an old man, I’ll complain about how today’s music is just a bunch of noise. Then I’ll proceed to put on my Judas Priest and Cradle of Filth.

When I’m an old man, I’ll complain how today’s generation is lazy and ungrateful, then vote for a raise to Social Security.

When I’m an old man, I’ll still go to porn conventions and see strippers.

When I’m an old man, I’ll drop in on the board meetings and make sure the guys running my companies aren’t retards.

When I’m an old man, I’ll steal girlfriends from young studs. When they complain, I’ll kick their asses.

When I’m an old man, I’ll have hot topless young woman at my swimming pool like Hugh Hefner.

When I’m an old man and some other old man is complaining about his aches and pains, I’ll just tell him “you’re just upset that you’re still fucking the same old lady for the past fifty years.” Then a hot chick with big fake boobs and a poodle will come and pick me up from the bus stop and I’ll turn to the old man, wink, and whisper “she doesn’t realize she signed a pre-nup.”

When I’m an old man, I’ll still tell all the jokes that everyone else is afraid to tell.