The Zombieslayer

This is a post for Football fans. If you don’t know by now, I’m a big time Green Bay Packers fan. The Packers recently had a questionable off-season, and the Packer boards were full of anger and hate. So I had to write something more cheerful. Even if you don’t follow football, you might still be able to appreciate the humor.

Folks,
Good news. I won’t get your hopes up and tell you that we’ll go far in the Playoffs this year, but we will win the division in ‘07.

The Bears are da Bears. Come on, the only use the Bears have is for Saturday Night Live comedy skits. With Lance Briggs as good as gone, they’re done. Lovie Smith scored a 6 on the Wonderlic test, and proof of that is he hasn’t taken Rex Grossman ice fishing and had a little “accident.” My Grandma hasn’t had a snap in the NFL since the late 40s, and she can still throw better than Rex Grossman.

Some of you hate the Vikings. I could never hate the Vikings. Sure, the Vikings beat us once in the playoffs, but they were putting us out of our misery. Believe me, that year, the next team to play us would have humiliated us something terrible, much, much worse than showing up to work and realizing you’re completely nekkid.

On paper, the Vikings look good. But that’s what everyone says EVERY year. Folks, games aren’t played on paper. They’re played on something called “a football field.” On the football field, on any given Sunday, anything can happen. But as long as any of us shall live, one thing is certain. Whenever something is important, the Vikings will CHOKE. It’s part of their genetic make-up.

When the zombie plague starts, Viking fans will just let the zombies come for them and not even bother to fight back. Their reality is just that hard. You won’t understand, because you’re a Packer fan. The good folks with gray pubic hair and Social Security on this board watched the Packers earn 3 Lombardi Trophies. The Vikings have zero, even though they’ve also had four tries to get at least one.

And of course the Lions will always be the Lions. NO MATTER HOW BAD we are in a year, we can always count on two wins from the Lions. I love the Lions. I regularly give hugs to people in Lions jerseys. They understand and cry in my arms. They need the love, because they don’t get it from Matt Millen, nor did they ever get it from anyone before Matt Millen. I hug Barry Sanders regularly, and he appreciates it. He never got any love either. Poor guy. He was devastated when we passed him up for Tony, well, I won’t say his last name because I don’t want to get anyone here upset.

So relax, fellow Packer aficionados. We won’t go much past 9-7 this year, but at least we’ll be back on top in the NFC North where we belong. And don’t be so mean to Vikings and Lions fans. I hate seeing grown men cry.