Happy July 4th - The Issues & American jokes
July 4th, 2007Folks, it’s July 4th, and some of you have already started drinking. For those who are sober, Neal showed me this site:
http://www.issues2000.org/default.htm
It has all the candidates and how they are on the issues. Please read up on your favorite candidates before deciding how you will vote. And vote too, dammit! Don’t make some lame ass excuse for not voting. I don’t care if you vote for your dog, just vote.
American jokes
I’m bringing back an old post from the other blog. Most of you haven’t read it, because this is really old. The few of you who have, well, maybe you can get a 2nd laugh from it. Here goes:
As promised, here are my American jokes. I heard all of them from one guy, a German intern we used to have. I’ll call him Herman.
Herman’s a super nice guy. But like a typical European, he’s an unrealistic pacifist. He has an irrational fear of firearms (so I was unable to take him to the shooting range). At least he takes showers though. Nothing worse than a smelly European.
Because of his overly pacifism, he could never be the soccer player he could have been. He passes to someone else so they could flub the shot rather than taking the shot himself. It’s because he’s too nice. He would rather his buddy score than himself. That’s fine and all, but if your buddy’s a spaz, take the dang shot yourself and score one for the team instead of being a nice guy.
His other weakness is that he’s whipped, really bad. He got offended when I said he picked the wrong sister to be his girlfriend. His girlfriend’s Vietnamese. She can’t cook anything but top ramen. Her sister however supposedly makes wonderful pho. Now, the choice in my book is obvious. I don’t care if his girlfriend’s a ten and her sister’s only a six. I’d take the one who could make pho. Priorities, Herman.
Not only that, at the time, we were in Santa Barbara, the town of hot chicks. His girlfriend was in Germany. We’d be walking down State Street, see a gaggle of hot chicks, and he’d look the other way. I’d say, “Herman, what are you doing?”
“That’s cheating.”
“Huh? I’m married and I’ll still look. What’s wrong with you, Herman?”
Geez. Wacko Germans.
Anyways, here they are, brought to you by Herman the German intern - American jokes.
Two Americans are in Switzerland waiting at the bus stop. A guy comes up to them and says “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?”
The two Americans just look at him.
“Lei parla l’italiano?”
The two Americans just look at him.
¿Hablan ustedes español?
The two Americans just look at him.
Parlez-vous le français?
The two Americans just look at him.
Finally, the guy gets frustrated and takes off. After he leaves, one of the Americans turns to the other. “Do you think we should learn a foreign language?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Well, look at that guy. He spoke four and look what good it did him!”
Here’s another. Do you know how you spot the American?
He’s the fat guy asking for directions.
And finally…
You know what you call someone who speaks two languages?
Bilingual
Do you know what you call someone who speaks three languages?
Trilingual
Do you know what you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.
Ha ha. Stupid Herman. The whole world should speak American English anyways. 
If you know any American jokes, please send ‘em. If you got offended, unfortunately, I lost touch with Herman so I can’t send his address so you can’t track him down and kick his ***. If you do catch him, don’t worry, he’s a pacifist so he won’t hit back. And if Herman happens to be reading this, I still stand by what I said that you’re dating the wrong sister. Hope you didn’t marry that non-cooking chick. No wonder you’re so skinny.
Oh, one more thing Herman, my cousin said you had beautiful eyes. You’re too late though, she just got married recently. And yes, she’s a heck of a cook.
the ones about language are so true. i have to say that while yes, i agree to be a citizen you ought to be able to function in english, that if you want to benefit from the country’s resources learn english….that being said…i think it is a terrible shame that americans are so happily ignorant of other languages and cultures. being functional in more than one language not only increass your ability to communicate but it exercises your brain and develops it in ways nothing else will. also, because english is such a hybrid of a language study of almost any european language will only enhace your ability in english. and ANY language is beneficial for enabling you to think about things from multiple perspectives. ok, gettin goff my soapbox….
have a happy 4th and thanks for the link to the various candidates.
Lime - I think the reason is geography. Keep in mind, if you’re in Europe, you take a train ride for a few hours and they speak a different language.
But yes, learning a foreign language really helps in your development of English. I’d love to see English as the national language, just to force people to communicate. however, it would be nice to have a 2nd language starting in 1st grade in our schools.
yes, i understand the whole geographical issue, i do. at the same time there is much greater language diversity in very old ways in this country than many people realize when you consider the french influence in new england and lousiana, the german population where i grew up and in pockets of the upper midwest, and of course spanish in the border areas (these are all places where immigrants came and assimilated by learning english and yet there are pockets of longstanding bilingualism…i haven’t even mentioned the reservations and indigenous culture…where so many langauges were just all but wiped out by the english speaking immigrants..hhmm…). yes, i agree folks entering should learn english, but there was an attitude where i grew up that anyone who spoke pennsylvania german was not very educated so it was not passed on to children at all. my parents went so far as to never permit slang in the house and make sure we showed no evidence of the accent even. the language is on life support and is found only among the amish and conservative mennonites now. those communities pass it on AND teach their children both english and high german. those conservative and cloistered communities raise children who are trilingual.
and yes, starting in the very early grades when children’s brains are most receptive is far better than our model of waiting until they are teenagers.
Lime - I love Amish furniture, and Mennonites are awesome. We have a lot in Northern California, although I don’t know if they speak German or not. They do wear the traditional clothes though, that’s how I know it’s them.
You hit the nail on the head. We have to teach early, when children’s brains are most receptive. That’s the thing. In America, we start in Junior High, which is often already too late.
As for the Native Americans, yes, it’s tragic that we’ve managed to destroy all those cultures. My older brother is a famous linguist (well, famous among linguists) and he was telling me only two Native American languages will survive intact until the next generation. That’s horrible. We’ll have all these languages that only linguists know. Plus, language is the backbone of any culture and it’s sad, so much culture lost.
Zombie… What is your bro’s name?
I am surprised. I can think of several Native American languages that as far as I understand are surviving and growing…
Languages can come back. Like Hebrew and Irish.
Yonder - Sent you an email.
The two languages he mentioned were Navajo and one of the Alaskan ones. I think it was an Innuit language, but I’m not sure.
That’s a good site, Zombie.
JJ - You actually came to my site? That’s a first.
Yes, it is. Now I can prove to you how your Democrats flip flop on everything.
Like the Republicans are any better.
Why do you think I usually vote 3rd party?
Good ones. German people are quite funny in the sense that they are so prim and proper it can be frightening, they would never flirt or look at another woman if they are in a relationship and when they work, they work, they don’t chit chat. Bless them; I actually enjoy working with my German colleagues more than the English ones, who also cannot speak any foreign language.
La Cremiere - I actually liked this kid a lot. He was heavily into music too, and was a pleasure to hang out with. Most of my criticisms of him were teasing and meant in a light-hearted way. I hope I was able to reflect that in my post.