Thanks Bridget!
January 23rd, 2008Bill Mayer annoyed me the other day. He was going on about the same old jokes about country folk. Yes, the same ones we’ve all heard before, how country people screw animals, their relatives, and are all racist. Blah blah blah. I hate Bill Mayer. The whole concept that celebrities have anything interesting to say is stupid. Celebrities should be seen and not heard. If you’re wondering why this country seems to be getting more stupid, well, it’s simply because people could name 100 celebrities, but not ten scientists/engineers/inventors.
So Bridget sends me this joke and I bust a gut. City folk like Bill Mayer and those stupid celebrities he has on his show need to be made fun of. They’re too full of themselves, hypersensitive, politically correct, and seriously don’t know how to party. Give me a hick bash any day over a hygienic social gathering of yuppies.
Anyways, here’s the joke:
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next one will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5′6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6′8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Dorothy
dorothy is some kind of woman!
Lime - I bet she’s sexy.
That is a great joke. I never even thought it was being written from a woman when it started.. That was great how it ended.
Cute joke.
Nice :]
Got me!
Funny thing is that from my time in basic training its largely true. Now as much as my wife might try and tell me I’m a redneck I’m nothing to some of the guys, and now gals, from the deep woods of Alabama, Mississippi, Kentucky, Idaho, Montana, and other states that Mayer might best not ever step foot in.
A great many of the suburban and urban trainees did have a great deal of trouble running and shooting. Plus if a trainee did have a weight problem he stood a good chance to being a urban kid. To be fair with the warp speed growth of video games these days more than likely the weight issue is more wide spread.
Tweetey - Yeah, had me fooled too.
Kathleen - Thanks.
Miladysa - Got me too.
Beach - He’d get killed if he went to any of those places, especially after some of the anti-American crap he pulled on his show.
It’s almost sad how suburban and urban folk have such trouble with simple concepts like running and shooting. Yeah, if they actually did something instead of playing video games all day, maybe they wouldn’t be such jackasses in the outdoors.
We always made fun of the suburban hikers, the ones who spent hundreds at REI and still need to be rescued if they stray too far from their SUV. Downright silly they are.
At least she’s in the Marines where she should be.
OOH RAH!
Up here wearing L.L. Bean is a sure-fire way to recognize “urban folk”. Us hicks wear Carhart, Cabelas, and Kmart.
Courtney - Hats off to the Marines! I’d never join them, but they have my utmost respect. Of course, now I’m too old to join anyone anyways.
Tshsmom - Yeah, those wearing REI stuff when they go outdoors. You know you have to keep an eye on them because they might do something stupid and die, or at the least, you’ll have to help them start their fire or else they might blow themselves up. Yuppies don’t belong in the outdoors.
Yeah, they DO try to blow themselves up. I once started a fire for city-folk who were trying to start their fire by lighting the stream from a can of hairspray and aiming it at a HUGE chunk of firewood.
Why they brought hairspray on a camping trip still befuddles me.
Tshsmom - Nice! That reminds me of one time I was out with some of my Native American friends in some wilderness area out in the middle of nowhere. Well, some yuppies somehow ended up out there and one of my friends said “hey look! tourists! the other white meat.” We all got a big laugh out of that.