The Zombieslayer

It’s not easy being an independent thinker. Independent thinkers tend to be better at detecting bullshit whether it’s from the Left, the Right, or up the Center. Recently, it’s been coming from all sides.

The state of the economy downright stinks. That’s what all these clowns running for office fail to tell you. With a decade of outsourcing the middle class to India and allowing illegals to undercut the working class, Americans themselves are in dire financial straits. If you haven’t heard the news recently, the British are now making more money per capita than Americans. It’s been a very long time since this happened last. But it’s happened.

To make matters worse, the American dollar has tumbled. It’s fallen so much that the Canadian dollar is neck and neck. The Canadian dollar. No, that’s not a typo.

Remember before GW Bush became President? We had an economic surplus? Gone. Now a fat deficit. Plus, the Euro was between 80c and 85c. Now it’s around $1.47. Should you be worried if you’re an American? Well, if you’re head’s not up your ass, yes.

To make matters even worse, we owe hundreds of billions of dollars to China. China, you know, that country that murders political prisoners and sells their organs on the black market. The country that has been trying to poison us with lead in pretty much EVERY SINGLE THING they sell us.

Bush has been an economic disaster. That said, the economy needs to be fixed. Former President Bill Clinton used to wear a button that said “It’s the Economy, Stupid” as a reminder that that needs to be his main focus.

Which candidate would be best to fix our economy? Well, I’m not going to think for you, but that’s something that if you’re an American, you really need to ask yourself.

Speaking of bad drivers, I just got done shopping today, and was in the far left turn lane making a left turn, when the car to my right (in the other left turn lane) veered into my lane, completely unaware of my existence. Now, I never honk to punish a driver. I learned that in Driver’s Ed. I only honk to prevent an accident and that’s why I honked.

The driver quickly realized what she did wrong and corrected herself to prevent from making me swerve into the center divider to not get hit by her. She then sped up to avoid further embarrassment. As she sped up, I noticed an Obama bumper sticker. And it hit me. Eureka! Negative campaigning.

Think for a moment of your least favorite political candidate. Take one of their bumper stickers and put it on the back of your car. Then proceed to be the biggest jackass on the road.

Drive ten miles an hour under the speed limit in the left lane right at 8:55. Double park your car in prime real estate right at peak shopping hours. Cut someone off, then flip them off, then speed off. Pretend to gab on your cell phone and almost hit the person to your left, notice them, over-correct, and almost hit the person to your right.

That bumper sticker will be the thing they remember that night, and it will leave a bad taste in their mouth when they go to the polls.

You’ve heard this story a million times. Same story, different place and time. Now, it’s Florida - over 50 cars pile up, and four people are dead. Why? Because drivers are stupid.

It was foggy. Well, when it’s foggy, don’t drive faster than you can see, and keep a safe distance between you and the next car. Common sense, right? That’s the thing, common sense goes out the window once people get behind the wheel.

I’ve seen these wrecks many times. I’ve seen the burned cars, the dead, broken bodies, and all the other junk associated with massive wrecks. People are too impatient to slow down and keep a safe distance, and all the cars end up crashing into each other.

The big problem we have in this country is we allow just about any jackass to get a license. This morning, some dumb woman with a suburban assault vehicle took a simple three point turn into a nine point turn. No exaggeration. The rest of us in the parking lot had to sit there and wait for her dumb ass to keep backing up, going forward, backing up, going forward…

She was driving a big, black Mountaineer, a vehicle she really needs for driving over those GIGANTIC mountains you’ll find in the suburbs.

If I’m going to die before the age of 90, it won’t be of cancer or heart disease.  It will be because some dumb ass isn’t paying attention to the road and/or driving conditions.  I already know it.

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In other news, the Packers host the Giants in the NFC Championship game.  The Packers toyed with the Seahawks this weekend, giving them two quick touchdowns in less than five minutes, before scoring six touchdowns without punting or turning the ball over once.

Exciting time to be a Packers fan.  I had the stomach flu yesterday and threw up twice before watching the game on my buddy’s giant T.V.  Note to anyone who will get the stomach flu - always keep Ginger Ale on hand.  It was the only thing I was able to hold down yesterday, and made what would have been a horrible day tolerable.

• A martini contains gin. A “martini” with vodka in it is not a martini. It’s vodka in a martini glass.

• Ali was not even close to be being the world’s greatest fighter. Sure, at one time the world’s greatest boxer. But put him in the ring in his prime against a good wrestler, throw the rule book out the window, and you’d see Ali get pounded to oblivion. The Gracies tried to prove this, but couldn’t find a big-named boxer willing to be humiliated.

• Metal is more punk than punk, more alternative than alternative, more indie than indie, and actually requires talent, unlike those other three forms of “music” I just mentioned.

• The Green Bay Packers are the only things on tv worth watching. When football season is over, I don’t need access to a television.

• If you can’t drive a stick, you can’t drive, period.

• Windows has no business being a server. Servers should have uptime, not viruses.

• Contrary to popular opinion, you can drink Champagne any day of the week. It does not have to be a special occasion.

• Golf is not a sport.

• Those who say they like classical then immediately mention Bach or Pachebel’s Canon don’t know what they hell they’re talking about.

• And neither does someone who says they like Beethoven, then say his best Symphony was his 5th. That immediately proves they haven’t listened to all nine.

• Tchaikovsky is the greatest composer ever. Mozart and Bach do not belong in the same sentence as Tchaikovsky. You can however make a good argument for Beethoven. You’d just be wrong.

• Yes, I do need every guitar I own. And every rifle. And every shotgun. And every handgun. And it’s none of your business. You, however, don’t need that SUV nor that many pairs of shoes.

• Anyone who has $83,000 to spend on a car, and spends it on a Jaguar, a car that spends more time in the shop than on the road, has some serious taste issues.

• And lastly, Mensa has every right to exist, despite folks who dismiss them as too snooty. One joins a tennis club to find a worthy opponent for tennis. One joins Mensa to find a worthy opponent for chess.

There are many stories of how the upcoming zombie plague will begin. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead stated that the zombie plague happened because of a meteor. The 80s zombie comedy Return of the Living Dead was caused by a military experiment gone wrong. 28 Days Later was caused by a virus tested on primates that escaped a lab.

Recently, Will Smith in I Am Legend had to fight zombies caused by a scientist’s “cure” for cancer.

Now, Neal has an excellent explanation of the upcoming zombie plague. It’s psychiatric testing on humans and pharmaceutical greed. Read his article called “Are We All Nuts?” Guaranteed to scare you, because it’s true.