The Zombieslayer

For those of you who already have your guns, your water supplies, your food, your fuel, and are sitting around waiting for the plague to start, this post is for you.

Priorities. Besides saving yourself and your loved ones, who else do we save? Don’t worry, we’ll make sure Billy Rae Cyrus and his equally untalented daughter don’t make it. Neither will the Spears nor the Hiltons. Nor would any of the cast of High School Musical. Good riddance, I say.

Now, who do we save? Well, I won’t include people like Brett Favre because I have a strong feeling he and his family will be fine.

Dave Chapelle

I don’t think anyone in the last ten years has made me laugh harder than this man. He could do stand up while we’re sharpening our blades or reloading. Sure, Eddie Murphy’s stand up is better, but Chapelle’s a better writer and funnier all around.

If he comes with Charlie Murphy, an added bonus. I don’t know if Charlie would be hanging with Dave or Eddie when the plague starts though. I guess it’s all up to Fate.

Monica Bellucci

Several hot Italian actresses have battled it out for The Zombieslayer’s favorite, and Monica Bellucci has come out on top. Unlike the others, Bellucci can really act. I know I’m a sucker for a nice body, but Bellucci has both. We’ll see if she can make the transition to comedy in Dave’s routines.

Actually, I don’t think us guys in the audience would care. She could suck but us guys will still watch, especially if she dresses down.

I should actually go to my domain provider and see if savemonicabellucci.com is available and set up a Paypal account to save up money to get Monica a plane ticket to my anti-zombie compound. I’m sure she’ll accept. She knows the plague is starting, and with Italian efficiency, dang right she’d take the offer.

The Mongolian Throat Singers

You all know how much I’m into Tchaikovsky and Brahms. The good thing is they’ve died two centuries ago, and we have plenty of their recordings that will survive long after the human race rebuilds itself after the zombie plague is over.

The bad news is the Mongolian Throat Singers are a tradition taught from generation to generation. If none of them survive the zombie plague, nobody will be able to figure out how to do the amazing things they do with their vocal chords.

Did you know the Mongolian Throat Singers can sing two or even three different notes at the same time? Anyone who can sing more than one note at the same time needs to be saved from the zombies.

So, besides family and close friends, who do you save?

I am neither a Democrat nor a Republican. I can’t stand either of them, and this is why.

The Democrats

The Democrats want to be your Mom. They know what’s best for you, and want to tell you what’s best for you whether you want to hear it or not. They love to nag. They love safety nets, and they’d punish the strong to take care of the weak. They’re obsessed with equality and see injustice everywhere. The world’s not fair, but they want to make it fair, and anyone who stands in their way be damned. They hate prejudice in all forms, but deep down inside, they’re the most prejudice people you’ll ever meet.

In extreme cases, they’d make all guns illegal, make anyone who ever spanked a child go to jail (I’m not joking, I’ve known people like this), make eating meat illegal, ban both heavy metal and rap music, tax anything that could possibly be dangerous, impose stiff fines on anyone caught without a bike helmet, zombify any boy who shows any sign of masculinity with Ritalin, and monitor you 24 hours a day to make sure you don’t do anything that is bad for you. Of course, it’s in your best interest that they watch out for you, because you cannot watch out for yourself and you have no idea what’s in your own best interest.

The Republicans

The Republicans want to be your father. They want you to work hard and be a good little boy or girl. If you don’t work hard, you won’t be rewarded.  They accuse you of spending too much, but then because of their mismanagement, you’re in heavy debt.  So keep your nose to the grindstone and don’t do anything that would get you in trouble, because they’re not only your father, they’re your uber-father you’re glad you never had.

In extreme cases, adulterers would go to jail (I’m not joking about this one either, I’ve heard it said), there would be hundreds of things that merit capital punishment, doctors who perform certain procedures would be lined up against the wall and shot, there would be absolutely no safety nets, because if anything bad happened to you, it’s because you didn’t try hard enough, and we’d be at war everywhere because the world trembles when they rattle their sabers.

Then there’s me

As for me, I want to make my own decisions, and I’ll deal with the consequences. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. After all, we are supposed to be a free country, right?

We have a Constitution. It would be nice if those two ass clowns of parties followed it. Within reason, let adults make their own decisions. If it doesn’t affect you, it’s none of your business.

There’s a grocery store chain in Texas called H.E.B. It’s a dang fine chain and I’ve had nothing but good experiences there, but we’d always joke that the reason they called the store H.E.B. is because the guy’s name was something like Hieronymus Edwardian Buttsniff or Harry Egghead Boonediddly or something along those lines.

Well, we eventually found out why they named the store H.E.B. The guy’s last name is Butts. Could you imagine a grocery store called Butts? I’d definitely not shop there. I don’t care how fresh the produce was.

I’d change my name if my last name was Butts. But (no pun intended), you think that’s bad. I met a lady the other day with a last name Takeshita. For the sake of your kids, lady, change your name. You could make it PG rated and change it to Takedumpa. Or just shorten it to Take.

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I’m still working on my energy post. I keep getting distracted by this and that so it’s not ready. I’m also working on another post on McCain vs Obama, finding the good and bad with both politicians. Don’t worry, I’ll give even more wordage to whomever Third Party candidates decide to run, because you know how I feel about the Republicrats.

The Democrats want to be your mother. The Republicans want to be your father. I already have two parents. I don’t need more parents!

Now, I got all kinds of info on McCain. Obama on the other hand I got nothing on. It’s because he’s one of the most vague politicians I’ve ever seen, and that’s really saying something. You want to see something bad? Check out this video on Ben’s blog. Even his key supporters have no idea what he’s done.

It’s a sad day for the Green Bay Packers and the NFL.  The NFL lost the best QB of the post-Niner domination era, and both the most exciting QB and the toughest to ever play the game.

Several people I know are going to call in sick.  I’m not going to.  I’m not going to sit around the house and sulk.  I got a lot of work to do at work and doing work will help me keep my mind off of it, but I’ll be avoiding people all day.

It won’t be easy for me to deal with this.  Funny thing is I’ve had some bad breakups, but this is worse.  I was convinced that he’d come back and I was saving up for a trip to Green Bay this year.

I decided instead to use that money for musical equipment.  I want to get a recording done while I’m still relatively young.

As for the Packers, I’m hoping the Cal kid Aaron Rodgers can pull it off.  As for Favre, I hope he enjoys his retirement, but I have a feeling he’ll be itching to play and might come back for another team in ‘09.  I sincerely hope he does, and that team will be instantly my 2nd favorite team.

America is becoming a Nanny State. All these do-gooders with too much time on their hands like to sit around and tell you what is best for you, because they know what is best for you better than you know yourself. Yes, you’re a grown man or woman and they’ll tell you how to live your life.

Helmet laws are stupid. Drop the lawsuit crap right now. That’s just an excuse when you call one of these do-gooders on their bullshit. Don’t tell an adult what is in their best interest. Just don’t. Let adults decide for themselves.

Bike helmets aren’t even good protection. Hate to break it to the Bike Helmet Nazis, but bikers get killed by cars. When a car hits a human body, it could throw it, smash it, run it over and possibly drag it, or cut it in half. That’s the reality of it. A bike helmet isn’t going to do very much good if your body just got dragged 50 feet on asphalt or it got cut in half.

I’ve also known that my father’s friend’s first wife and my first boss’s buddy both got decapitated by cars (with one being a hit and run).  A whole lot of good a bike helmet would have done them.

I’ve been biking for 37 years and refuse to wear one. Truth is, for me, they’re dangerous. Yes, I’ve fallen off bikes before, but because of my Judo training, I roll. Here’s an example of how a bike helmet for me can actually be fatal, or worse, could make me a Quadriplegic.

I used to do crazy ass stunts when I was a kid on a bike too. You want to hear something amazing? I’m still alive today! And I never wore a bike helmet! Wow!

Now, if you want to wear one, more power to you.  You, not he Nanny State, should decide what is best for you.  Let adults make their own choices. I’m sick of busy-body do-gooders who must stick their nose in everyone else’s business.