Stop blaming me(n)
May 16th, 2008I won’t watch the Miss America pageant with women. Refuse to. Done it before. I’d see 50 beautiful girls and the women I’d watch it with would take turns cutting them to shreds. They’ll find every last flaw, flaws that guys don’t even notice, flaws guys overlook.
“All men are assholes.”
“I hate men!”
“Guys are all a bunch of pigs. Every one of them.”
I hear this all the time. It’s commonplace. Men are to blame for everything wrong with the world. Men are also to blame for every single one of a woman’s insecurities.
I’ve given former lovers hundreds of compliments in hundreds of different ways. They fall on deaf ears. Women only remember the one negative thing some guy they never even met said and it will haunt them forever and no amount of shared awe for them will counteract it. It’s futile. Forget it.
But what really gets me is male misogyny in this country can’t even hold a candle to what women say to each other. They’re ruthless. They’re brutal. Of course, it’s still men’s faults.
“Skinny girls are for wimps”
Not joking, but I saw this on some lady’s blog. She had a button that flashed this.
I lost a co-worker a few months ago. It took her over two years of painful agony. I saw her a month before she died. It was sad to see her like that. 85 pounds. A month later, she was dead.
Cancer.
Is her widow a wimp?
A friend’s daughter never drank, smoke, did illegal drugs. Nice girl, good student. Got cancer too. Went through Chemo twice now. Thankfully, she’ll make it. She’s thin now. Anyone who dates her is a wimp?
Now know two people who have Crohn’s Disease. As with cancer, wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Their spouses wimps?
A dear friend of mine grew up in this thing called poverty. Mother was a co-dependent loser and mother’s boyfriend spent their welfare on drugs. Kids never ate. She’s gaining weight now, but used to be rail thin. Is her boyfriend a wimp? Probably shouldn’t call him that considering he’s a former amateur MMA fighter.
Somalian women come tall and thin. That’s just how they come. I’d love to see this blogger go to Somalia and call Somalian men wimps for marrying Somalian women. See how that goes over.
Women on women hate
Women on women hate is pathetic. I don’t get it. Look at women’s magazines. Look at Hustler. Hustler has real women. Women’s magazines on the other hand, come on. And somehow, men are to blame for that?
You’ve seen this scene before. Angela comes around to her group of friends and they all smile and say hi. The minute she leaves, they rip into her, exposing every weakness and flaw. But somehow of course, there’s a guy pulling their strings, right? Women on women hate won’t exist without men, right?
If all the men would disappear from the world, I guarantee you, there will still be anorexia, bulimia, and every other disorder blamed on men. I’m not blaming the victim here. I’m just calling a spade a spade.
The average guy is a nice guy, warm, friendly, and actually likes women. He’ll be taken for granted though. They only remember the asshole.
So much to which to respond here…
First, yes, we women do have a tendency to saying generalizations when a guy has pissed us off. However, I’d say most of us know that what we’re saying is wrong and we’re just venting at this point in time.
Don’t forget that men say that all women are bitches. And while the woman will remember the one guy who said shit, the man will date the bitch and not the nice girl. Sure, not all men say that, but not all women say that all men are pigs, either.
I have to admit to being the woman who doesn’t believe the compliments. It’s hard to believe them when you can’t get a date to save your life and you can count your previous boyfriends on one hand and you’re in your 40s, and it’s not because you dated them all for years.
In this society, we’re taught that the pretty girls get dates…therefore, if I don’t get dates, I must not be pretty. It’s really difficult to get past that which is brainwashed into you.
Trust me, my therapist has been working on me for years to accept that I’m beautiful. She hasn’t succeeded yet - much to her chagrin.
I’m assuming the woman with the “Skinny women” button her blog is heavy and learning to come to terms with herself and she does that by striking out at the skinny women. It’s easier to blame them than to understand that some skinny women just can’t help it. Hell, when I was in college I weighed 103 lbs and couldn’t gain weight for the life of me. Not that I was trying, actually, but I could eat anything and everything all week long, go dancing on Friday night and weigh 99 lbs. Saturday morning.
I definitely agree that women can be quite vicious toward other women. I probably trust more guys than I do females. Some you know you can trust, others you’re just waiting for them to turn on you.
I think this is an excellent post, well said.
The main pressure comes from the media, a year or so ago my grandaughter who was 8 at the time thought she was fat! Unbelievable.
As women we have to take some responsiblility for this.
We need to stop buying the magazines that promote the wrong image, they should picture women of all ages, shapes and sizes.
We need to stop buying into the beauty industry, life ages you - the alternative is a coffin not an expensive pot of cream.
We need to teach our children that it is OK to be themselves and not a plastic airbrushed image.
We need to get out sh*t together.
Your post is so funny, I agree with you most of the time, and I would add:
Men don’t ever understand anything!
I have a good experience at home having been married with the same guy since ….pff way too long.
Several times I over heard conversation between my wife and several of her friends over the years and heard everything you mentioned. We use to have the computer in a room close to the front porch that they sat on during their conversations. I heard more about old loves and old boyfriends talked about than current husbands and boyfriends. I quickly learned that when my wife started talking that I needed to scram.
This reminds me of a story I have intended to write, and procrastinated over for too long.
A version of Lord of the Flies, trading the boys for girls. Things would be different without the influence of males around, but not in the ways you might think. Women/girls who use/abuse there power over the opposite sex will find themselves in a completely different position, unable to use that power against the other girls.
Personally I’d say that blame is beyond this situation… neither male nor female because we can not be held responsible for that which came before us… and since that applies to everyone… EVER.. all we can do is effectively hold ourselves responsible for NOW.
I’m happy to say ‘those’ girls never liked me much and the feeling has always been mutual. I was not the pretty girl… until I was 20, well out of school and realized I was beautiful regardless of anyone else.
I agree with Kathleen here. The problem is (for men and women) social movements get boiled down to talking points. If you spoke with an INFORMED feminist, most likely you would not hear the “it’s all men’s fault” crap.
That said, from a post-structural standpoint, our gender norms are socially constructed and what is deemed socially acceptable (in general terms) is reinforced. Those acceptable norms almost always focused on appearance (fashion, makeup, hairstyles) or stereotypical gender behavior (someone inventing Barbie that says “Math is hard” and “Let’s go Shop”).
The bulk of the people responsible for those things are men. Take fashion for example… It’s mostly men (and women who buy in to the male-focused ideals of what women should be) design the clothes that normal women cannot fit into and result in starving themselves because we’re taught there’s something wrong with US, not the Italian asshole who made the damn thing.
Women are taught to always be concerned with what some guy will think of what we do. We’re taught that we need men to be complete. We’re taught that if we don’t like pretty pink bows in our hair that we’re weird.
Oops, half of that got cut off I just realized.
As for women being so cruel to each other, there’s various theories on that. I honestly don’t know what that is, but I don’t completely blame men. Now, men are responsible for setting the standards to which women hold themselves and I think this bitterness between women is a reaction to that it some way. We’re taught to compete with each other for your attention. It’s a divide and conquer mechanism - if you keep a group fighting itself, they won’t come together and fight the powers that be.
Kathleen - Fo shizzle it goes both ways. I’ve heard the “all women are bitches” crap too. I happen to like a lot of women so not too fond of that.
Have you tried internet dating? I used to think it was silly, then found one of my friends found his wife on there and one friend of mine who’s a President of a company meets guys that way because she’s too busy any other way.
And yes, she probably has no idea that skinny women are often made skinny and don’t have a choice in that matter. But it would be as silly as me lashing out on all white people for my problems - it solves nothing and ends up making the person doing it look like a hatemonger.
Miladysa - Oh, definitely. An eight-year-old thinking she’s fat, that needs to stop right there. That’s really bad, but yes, the media reinforces a lot of harmful things.
And I agree with everything you’re saying. Women need to take some responsibility for all this - stop buying into this crap. Stop buying the magazines, stop buying the ridiculous clothes, the beauty industry, etc.
I like what Bridget Bardot did. She let herself age naturally, to everyone’s shock. More power to her.
Kitem - We can be dense. But sometimes it is women expecting us to understand something we’re not told and that’s not fair to us. We don’t read minds.
Beach - Yeah, the brutality of it, I simply stay away from. I’d rather not hear what they say about me either.
Clothosfate - Oh, that really needs to be written.
Making girls into angels is not only unrealistic, but harmful. I’d hate to be put on a pedestal. Too high of expectations and there’s only one way to go.
Yeah, it wouldn’t be what people would expect. With girls, I’ve seen little angels AND little demons, and everything in between.
Laura - Sure, the media is still male dominated. But just like wealth and class, most of us men are out of the loop and to blame us is not only silly, but an insult.
I’d love to be in a higher position of media power. I already have a lot of ideas of what I’d do differently. Of course, you know about my Constitutional stances and how much I’m for alternatives to foreign oil, especially Solar Power. But I have no idea what I’d do about gender because it’s not something I really studied.
The thing is, men compete with each other for women’s attention as well. We’re also killing ourselves to get noticed, sometimes literally. This is another thing that goes both ways.
Look at some of the advanced animals. The males will fight, sometimes to the death, to get noticed by the females. So that goes both ways.
Agree with Kathleen and Miladysa. There are jerks in both genders. At my age, I ignore them, no matter what kind of package they come in. Have you ever noticed that those folks who seem to have a grudge of some kind (like the ones you posted about, but both genders) usually have a lot else wrong with them? My nickel analysis is that they have some root problem that leads them to project their inadequacies/fears onto others. And the larger the target of the projection, usually the stronger the vitriol.
Not worth thinking about–am too lazy to bother.
Zombieslayer, you are one unique and terrific guy. No one could lump you in with a general pool!!!
Bridget - Oh, for sure there are jerks in both genders.
Have you ever noticed that those folks who seem to have a grudge of some kind (like the ones you posted about, but both genders) usually have a lot else wrong with them?
Definitely. I think your pop psychology is right on, because that’s exactly what I was thinking.
And thanks. And of course, you make us laugh, so right back at you.
Zombie: It’s not just the media. It’s easy to dismiss the charge when we say “the media does xyz.” The media is not some distant force, it’s a reflection of the popular values held in our culture. You may be an exception, but there are far more people whose worldviews are reflected by the media than those who might disagree.
Laura - 2 things:
1) with the internet, you and I (and everyone else) have a much bigger say in the “media” then we ever have before. It is our responsibility to teach the right things.
2) Yes, I agree that it is a reflection of popular values. Thus is why I’m taking a stand and saying enough is enough.
Men lose out too when women have low self-esteem. It effects our love lives and our sex lives. It’s so much more functional to be with someone with a positive self-image, and it makes our lives that much easier when a man’s lover (assuming he’s hetero) loves herself as she is.
The other thing is men aren’t immune to media stereotypes. Look at magazines like Esquire or GQ. We don’t look like that. You know how rare it is for a guy to look like that?
But one thing that is different about guys is when a guy struggles, his father (assuming he has one) says to toughen up instead of giving him sympathy. I think it’s a much needed thing, because guys learn to fall. They learn to deal with criticism and keep going on.
It positively affects our self-worth. We end up believing we are good, we are strong, we have willpower, we are attractive, because we learn to keep going. We have our setbacks, but we keep going.
I think that’s one aspect about being a guy that’s better. We can deflect criticism better than women can on average, so we don’t have the higher instances of negative self-image that women have.
The woman-on-woman sniping and hate all comes down to competition, jealousy, and hang-ups. Sure, some women are just plain mean, but most simply have insecurities that manifest as picking apart celebrities, aquaintances, and attractive women they see on the street. I do want to point out, though, that not ALL women are like this! Some of us can look at a pretty chick, say, “She look nice,” and move on.
Do you seriously watch the Miss America Pageant?! Pageants in general as so duuuullll!
SME - No. It’s one of those things that was on.
And yes, those are the women I prefer to hang with.
I think women are a lot more forgiving re: appearance issues, generally, toward men than men are toward women. Although like all things, there are exceptions. But when I hear short, dumpy, toady men saying crap about a woman because she’s not model thin, I wonder if they’ve looked in a mirror lately. I think men’s self-esteem is higher generally than a woman’s. I’m not sure why that is though…that I haven’t figured out yet.
Heh, those folks who keep saying if women ran the world there wouldn’t be any wars don’t know the women I do.
Exmi - Fo shizzle!
Kathleen - Oh, for sure. The rhythm guitarist in one band I was in used to rip on women’s appearances all the time, and he was pretty ugly himself.
However, I disagree on women being more forgiving towards appearance issues than men. Proof is look at a single’s ad. I guarantee you that if you count 100 women for men ads versus 100 men for women ads, you’ll see some physical aspect in a women for men ad mentioned more.