The Zombieslayer

I have 3 Chuck Klosterman books here.  Finished one, half-way through the 2nd.  I just went to a book sale and picked up a book by Peter Lynch.  Have barely cracked the book when I read this.  Some of the best words I’ve ever read.

You start to recognize that you’re only going to exist for a little while, whereas you’re going to be dead for a long time.

You remind yourself that nobody on his deathbed ever said: “I wish I’d spent more time at the office.”

-both quotes Peter Lynch

I love money as much as the next American, but come on, we work too hard.  Get out and enjoy life, folks.  Don’t work too hard.

I wish someone told me that ten years ago.  I worked my butt off and they still sent my job to India.  Had I known that, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to keep it.

Get to know your spouse better.  Get to know  your kids or your parents better.  Also, don’t forget you have neighbors.  If you give them a chance, you might find out that they’re interesting people.

I’ve been tagged by the lovely Bridget Jones. That’s great because my brain is shot and I’ve been looking at this blog for days, trying to think of ideas for a post. So, thanks for the tag.

Here goes.

A) The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
B) Each player answers the questions about himself or herself.
C) At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1) Ten years ago I was:
In Grad School, but unlike Laura, I dropped out before completing my Masters. It worked out for the best because I moved up to Seattle and got the job that moved us into the Middle Class.

2) Five things on today’s to do list:
I try to avoid to do lists because I like to be more spontaneous. But I do know what I’m going to do tonight - I’m going to have a drink with Badman after work and I hope Kate & JJ join us.

3) Things I do if I were a billionaire:

After you finish this post, please go back and read Bridget Jones’ post on what she’d do. It’s absolutely wonderful.

1. Of course, I’d get my anti-zombie compound built once and for all. It will be powered by solar and wind energy, partly because I’m an environmentalist, but mostly because I’m economically very conservative (cheap). I don’t like paying high energy bills.

2. Speaking of energy, I’ll work on what I think is the most important issue of our time - Solar Energy. If you get a chance, read that article on solar energy in the Scientific American January 2008. Solar energy can end our dependence on foreign oil once and for all. I’ll run for Congress and put up a lot of the funding for solar research with my own money if I had to.

3. Set up the Zombieslayer College Scholarship Fund. College is how we got into the Middle Class. Sure, you can do it by other means, but it’s how we did it.

4. Really hone in my shooting ability. This may surprise you but I’m not where I want to be. Sure, I can shoot a zombie in the head at 200 meters without a scope, but that’s if it’s stationary and there’s no wind.

5. I’ll leave behind $2 million for myself. With the land paid for, I’ll invest the rest and live off of the investment income.

4) Three bad habits:
Only 3? I quit playing video games because I was wasting too much time. I used to play until 3:30 and sometimes 5:30 in the morning, then realize I had to be at work at 9. Not good.

I’d like to cut down on my swearing. I don’t do it a lot, but still, I’d like to cut it down more.

I drink too much coffee. But I’m not going to do a dang thing about it because I like good coffee.

5) Five places I’ve lived: Only five? Ok, I’ll do only five.

1. Chicago, Illinois

2. St. Louis, Missouri

3. Martinez, California

4. Seattle, Washington

5. Houston, Texas

I’ve lived in a lot more places, but it only asked for five.

6) Five jobs I’ve had in my life:

My very first job was selling newspapers. I kept it for a few months, but learned I could make a lot more money going door to door and asking people if they wanted their curb painted. This is something I did on my own (with friends), not with a company. I’ve worked for a lot of fast food places (thus is why I’m very picky about what fast food places I’d eat at, I’ve worked at most of them). I’ve delivered pizza, waited tables, and…

Oh, only five. Ok, I’ll keep it at only five.

I’m going to tag five people but not yet. I’ll update this post probably this weekend when I find out who’s been updating their blog and who’s been slacking.

So, Kathleen, you want me to predict the future? You’re on.

I’m a fortune-teller.  You just handed me $25 and I’m telling you your future.

“I see a change.”

Well, of course there’s a change because everyone’s life changes.

“Someone you care about will be really sick.”

One strategy of going about it.  You rope them in with this one.  The thing is, the older the person is, the more likely this is to be true.  My Grandfather died recently, I lost one co-worker to cancer a few months ago, and personally know several folks who recently went through Chemo.  The older you get, the more people you know who are in bad health.

“Now is not the time to look for a new job.”

Well, no shit, Sherlock.  It doesn’t take a fortune-teller to tell you that the economy sucks right now.  When the economy picks up, you tell them that they’ll have opportunities, but it’s their job to cease the day or else they won’t get that chance again.  Either way, the fortune-teller wins.  If they fall flat on their face, the blame goes on the customer, not the fortune-teller.  And if they get that job, well, that fortune-teller was damn good.

“Oooo, I see trouble in your relationship.  Tough times ahead.  It may or may not work itself out.”

Hook, line, and sinker.  Keep it open ended.  All relationships have problems.  This is as vague as it gets, but no matter which way it goes, the fortune-teller is right.

I could go on and on telling your fortune, but I didn’t want to do this post.  The post I really wanted to do, was this one…

Zombiesladamus predicts the world’s future

Picking individual people is too easy.  Predicting world events is so much more fun.  All those great prophesiers, sages, wizards, or whatever, it’s all a load of bull.  You simply take history and let it repeat.  It’s so easy.  And the more vague you are, the more chance you are to be right.  Keep it open to interpretation, and never put a time stamp on it.

Most of the stuff I predict though will happen within the next 500 years.  And people 500 years from now can look back at this post and say the Great Zombiesladamus knew the future.

There will be a Great War in the Middle East.

This one tops the “no shit, Sherlock” list.  There will always be fighting in the Middle East.  Those people will fight over anything.  I’m just surprised they haven’t had a war over Coke vs Pepsi yet.  That’s probably coming though.

I see people dying in floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes.

I hear this crap from Bible prophets who want your money who say the end is coming because this all is happening.  You know what? There will always be floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes.  There have been natural disasters since history began and there will always be natural disasters.  It does not mean the end of the world.  Hate to burst your bubble.

A good man will die by the hands of an evil man.

Heh.  This one’s too easy.  How many times did it happen last century?

The tiger and the eagle will become one.

What does this mean? Well, it could mean anything.  Whatever it means, guarantee it happens within 500 years from now.

But the cobra will STRIKE the bear.

Got to use a little emphasis.  It looks cool.  If this one doesn’t happen, no one will mention it.  When you prophesize, they only mention the ones you got right.

Water.  Water, nowhere to be seen.

You think this current oil war sucks, just wait until certain countries run out of groundwater.  Will happen in your children’s’ life times.

The knot must be tied or else there will be no peace.

Huh? Whatever that means.  Funny thing is someone will interpret it to mean something.  Just watch.

They will mourn for her death for years and years to come.

There will always be a charismatic woman that everyone can’t help loving.  Evita Peron, Mother Teresa, Princess Di, Condoleeza Rice.  Just kidding about that last one.

And even the greatest of wealths meant nothing to the one in red.

Once again, keep it vague.  It will mean something sometime in the future.

Her voice, that angelic voice, won over the hearts of those at war and gave us peace.

Ok.  May or may not happen, but so far, I’ve had so many guarantees that if this happens, I’ll give Nostradamus a good run for his money.

And he failed to heed the oracle and paid deeply.

Some loonie toon out there will warn someone not to do something and that person will still do it and die.  Happens all the time.  But this time, it will be a big world leader.  Maybe someone will tell him not to get on a plane and he does and it crashes.  Or they’ll tell some President not to make a speech but she doesn’t listen and gets assassinated.  Whatever the case, it will happen, because it’s happened many times before and I have 500 years to be right.

Well, there you go.  Add your own if you want.  Just remember, the more vague, the more chance you are to be right.  Plus, it helps to know both history and current events.  Humans are predictable.  They tend to do the same stupid stuff over and over again.  Knowing that, you too can predict the future.