The Zombieslayer

Every time there’s a new President, we outta get t-shirts that we say survived the previous Presidency. I’m telling you, they just seem to get either more corrupt or more stupid (or both) every election. I’m thinking it can’t possibly be worse than GWB, right? Well, we’ll see what Barack O Bummer will bring us. We know he won’t exactly be a defender of the Constitution to start with. As for fixing the previous guy’s economic mess, good luck. I actually feel sorry for the guy in that respect.

Here are some ideas:
I survived the Lyndon “How Many Kids Did You Kill Today?” Johnson Presidency
I survived the Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon Presidency
I survived the Gerald “Watch Your Step” Ford Presidency
I survived the Jimmy “There Goes the Dollar” Carter Presidency
I survived the Ronald “What Was I Supposed to Say?” Reagan Presidency
I survived the George “When My Lips Move I’m Lying” Bush Presidency
I survived the Bill “Slick Willy” Clinton Presidency
I survived the George “There Goes My Job AND My 401k” Bush Presidency

Believe me, it was tempting to call Ford’s Presidency “I’m Going to Hell Because I Pardoned Nixon” but “Watch Your Step” just seemed funnier for those old enough to remember the reference. Same with Jimmy “There Goes the Panama Canal” Carter. Oh, and thanks Bo for another certain Presidency. I’m still laughing at that picture. That was the funniest thing I’ve seen all month (besides one of our neighbors stepping in doggie doo).

OK. I’ve said this before and failed, but let me put a timeline to it. One week. There. I’m going to try to go one week without swearing. I’m really trying to clean up my mouth. It’s not easy. I really don’t have an excuse now because I don’t work on cars any more and I’m not fishing.

Speaking of cars, a few gripes. I wish people would follow that little Drivers Ed book that we all got when we were learning to drive. Yeah, I think we all agree that tailgating is bad, et cetera. But come on people. If you miss your turn, don’t block traffic. Keep going and turn around somewhere else, but out of everyone’s way. It clearly says that in the Drivers Ed book.

Also speaking of cars, you know who’s really annoying? People who keep saying American cars suck. Ought to slap them upside the head.

Now, I don’t care how you stand on the auto bailout. I have my opinion, you have yours. But the one thing I keep hearing is that Detroit doesn’t put out good cars and that’s why they’re not making any money. That’s a load of horsie manure.

I have the latest Consumer Reports issue and Ford cars were neck and neck with the Japs. German cars lagged, but were catching up to American cars. Then Kathleen showed me the JD Power and Associates ratings and they rank American cars actually higher than the Japs (with of course the German cars found on the road dead).

Hey, I like Krauts, I like their food, their beer, the Scorpions, Rammstein, cleavage in St. Pauli’s Girl commercials, and all that other good stuff, nothing against them, but their cars suck. Don’t take my word for it though, read the ratings. Oh, and Das Boat really wasn’t that good of a movie.  Sorry, but it wasn’t.

I could go on and on about American cars - I’ve owned nothing but and unless you drive a truck for a living, I’ve probably driven more miles than you. They last forever if you buy the right model (like I always say, read Consumer Reports before you buy ANYTHING) and do regular maintenance, the thing will last you for a very long time.

Now, I hope nobody read that last post and misunderstood what I meant and think I’m an insensitive a-hole, because I’m not.  I’m just putting things in perspective.  All diseases suck.  If you die from malaria, cancer, AIDS, or whatever, you have my condolences.

The thing is in Africa, the number of AIDS deaths are misreported.  A lot of villages are reporting everything as AIDS.  Are there AIDS outbreaks that kill half the village? Yes, it happens.  But dysentery kills five times more children than AIDS and no stupid celebrity is bugging the US government for money to fight dystentery.

I’m also not saying to not give to AIDS causes.  It’s a good cause.  But don’t forget, there are other diseases out there too.  If we really wanted to save lives, we’d use the dollar more effectively.  Right now, more money is being spent on AIDS in Africa than diseases that kill more people than AIDS.  But you’ll never hear that from an overrated rock star.

If you’re from another country, you’d think that every women in America dies from breast cancer.  There are breast cancer things everywhere.  Every one out of three people seems to have a breast cancer pin, shirt, button, or bumper sticker.  AIDS and breast cancer have become the ultimate politically correct bandwagon fights.

Not at all diminishing breast cancer.  It sucks.  But guess what? So does ALL cancer.  If you die from breast cancer, lung cancer, colon cancer, liver cancer, stomach cancer, or whatever, you have my condolenses.  It’s not a fun way to die.  It sucks.  But right now, breast cancer gets all the celebrities.

The sick thing about breast cancer is how it’s been politicized.  Let me say it again.  Breast cancer sucks.  My deepest condolences go out to anyone who’s had it, whether they survived or died.  That sucks.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even Tipper Gore.

We’ve had celebrities say “if men got breast cancer, it would have been cured by now.”  Um, men do get breast cancer, stupid.  And men do die from it too.

We’ve also had celebrities say “the only reason mastectomy was invented is for men to mutilate women.”  I’m not joking.  Yes, this crap has been said by famous idiot celebrities at breast cancer rallies.  Both men and women get parts cut off when they get cancer.  That’s the reality of it, and that’s yet another reason why cancer, any form of cancer, sucks and why I feel for anyone who has any form of cancer.

Not only that, when someone finds out their workmate has lung cancer, the very first question is “how long did they smoke?” WTF! Talk about being insensitive.  Who’s the insensitive a-hole now?

I had a co-worker at another company who lost a testicle to testicular cancer.  Two female employees found out and they laughed.   Is that really funny? I didn’t laugh when another woman I knew had a hysterectomy.  That must have sucked.

All I’m saying is ALL diseases suck.  I don’t want to die of any disease.  I want to die in my sleep like my Grandpa, but not like the three screaming kids in the backseat.

One of my History Professors in the 90s was talking about the AIDS crisis in Africa, how it was overblown. Now, keep in mind, this isn’t just some Joe Schmoe but a guy who has been called in to advise Congress on African issues. He told us that African villagers knew that if you wanted to get money, you call everything AIDS. Your kid has dysentery, it’s gotta be AIDS. You have a staph infection - AIDS. Your Mom has malaria - AIDS. You stubbed your toe - AIDS. So the numbers of people who really had AIDS were grossly exaggerated. And this was over a decade ago.

You can’t blame the villagers though. They know how to use the system. If you want money, call everything AIDS.

System works great. You got overrated celebrities with egos ten times the size of their brain who haven’t put out a decent album in over a decade crying for more and more money and the politically correct sheep on the other end giving all they got. Then on top of that, you got a stupid President who bought the lie and pledged $15 billion of YOUR taxpayer money to solve this crisis.

Well, not only is this bad for your pocketbook, let’s put things in perspective. Diseases suck. Whether you die from AIDS, malaria, or pneumonia, you have my condolences. But pneumonia kills more children in Africa than AIDS and malaria combined, but it’s just not a sexy nor politically correct topic like AIDS is. So if you really wanted to save lives…

Get this, in Ethiopia, Rwanda, and Uganda, AIDS donations outstrip their entire national health budget. If you think AIDS is more important than the rest of their health issues put together, I have a bridge to sell you.

But then again, who needs reason when you can have emotion? People are sheep, we all know that. It’s the same thing with gun control. It’s the same thing with pretty much any of these politically correct issues. If you really wanted to save lives…

But who needs reason when you can let emotion rule you?

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Source for facts: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081130/ap_on_he_me/eu_med_challenging_aids