The Zombieslayer

This was something I was going to send the other Pretentious Critics, but decided to post it here instead.  I’ll let someone else do the review of Beowulf (2007). 

Well, I completely lost any desire to see the movie Beowulf now.  Looked cool, until I read that Peter Travers of Rolling Stone loved that movie.

First off, you know how much I hate Rolling Stone magazine.  America puts out a lot of crappy magazines, but that one takes the cake.  I’d rather read Socialist Worker than that crap.  That’s how I feel about the journalistic quality of an average Rolling Stone article.

Of all the tripe they put out, Peter Travers takes the cake.  The guy has never seen a movie he didn’t like.  Anytime there’s an explosion, Peter Travers goes all googlie-eyed and ga-gahs like a three-year-old who just spotted Barney at the supermarket.

He’s known as the “most quoted critic.”  Well, no shit.  Hollywood loves Peter Travers because the guy’s the biggest kiss ass who ever lived.  Any big budget director out there could film himself taking a dump and Peter Travers would exclaim “Genius! This director has done things no other has directed before! With explosive action, hard-hitting dialog, and drama that would leave you on the edge of your seats! Do not miss!”

So if any other pretentious critic wants to take this one, feel free.  Even knowing Angelina Jolie struts around sans clothing is not enough incentive to get me to see this movie.  If Peter Travers likes it, it’s probably tripe, except with big explosions.

Fellow pretentious critic Badman and I have a saying that you’ll either love or loathe a good movie. If you just say “eh, it was okay,” it’s not a good movie.

I saw this one in the theatre and the kids next to us cheered during parts, and a pair of hypersensitive yuppie “men” in back of us got all butt hurt and offended by it. That’s a good sign for Frank Darabont.

Stephen King is a storyteller. Darabont does his best to mimic King’s storytelling ability, focusing mainly on his head character, artist David Drayton. Following a nasty storm, Drayton takes his son and his asshole lawyer neighbor into town, leaving behind his wife.

They soon get stranded in a supermarket, learning that those who venture into the mist die horrible deaths. One by one, the survivors get plucked off by the things in the mist, and sometimes they die at faster rates when someone has the bright idea they can make it out there as a group.

Darabont’s characters are one dimensional and predictable. I was able to guess their time of deaths and even method of death more times than not. However, like I said, King is a storyteller and despite the lack of character depth, the story keeps the viewer wondering if Drayton and his son will survive.

Throw in a schizophrenic wannabe Biblical prophet, military experiments gone wrong, a state shooting champion, and a neat assortment of oversized bugs, the Mist is a fun movie. The ending has a nice twist that I won’t give away, but the moral of the story is clear. The twist alone makes the movie worth watching. 7 dead zombies for a fun to watch horror/thriller.

I don’t get scared easily. When we were kids, we used to watch horror movies and hide around the corner and try to scare each other.

I was talking to Badman this week about American horror vs Japanese horror. In American horror movies, you do everything right, you’ll live. Japanese horror films give no guarantee of life. You could do everything right and you’ll still probably die.

These are the scariest movies I’ve ever seen. Actually, only one scared me throughout. The others had one really scary scene.

Ju-On, the Grudge (2003 - Japan). I think there were four of them, and this one was the scariest. That creepy kid and the crawling woman got you no matter where you hid. You could be in your bed, eating dinner, in the shower, or where ever, minding your own business and suddenly you’re dead.

Unfortunately, that’s the only movie that really scared me. The rest had scary scenes.

I saw the Exorcist (1973 - US) back in the mid-80s and it wasn’t scary. Then I saw it again with the additional scenes. The one scene with the spider walk freaked me out.

Freaks (pre-code 1932 - US) was banned in the UK for 30 years. It featured real life carnival freaks. The movie itself was well-done and for its time, I guess it was really scary. But the one scene in the very end freaked me out, what the freaks did to that lady. I don’t want to give it away in case any of you are film geeks (like SME) and may just watch it.

David Lynch has a way of getting inside one’s head. He does that as well as anyone. He builds up a strange dream sequence, and he can be really creepy sometimes. He did that with both Lost Highway and Blue Velvet, two of my favorite movies. But my favorite movie of his was Mulholland Drive (2001 - US).

There was one scene were two grown men in business suits were sitting at a diner and the one guy was telling his buddy about a recurring nightmare he keeps having. The way Lynch built it up, my brain already filled in the blanks and I was really creeping myself out. Then just as he explained to his buddy, the nightmare came to life. My heart literally skipped a beat at that scene.

So there you have it. The movies that scared me. As I said, I don’t get scared easily and I’ve watched a lot of movies.

More Lists

Badman and I like to make lists. Here’s his Top 10 Punk Sellouts of All-Time. If you’re into Punk, definitely read this one.

The one of his I really liked though was his Worst Albums of All-Time list. I think he worded it poorly as he meant “most disappointing” because they were good bands that made bad albums.

If you’re a music junkie, you’ll love arguing with this guy. He really knows his stuff, even though he and I have completely different taste in music.

Back to movies

So…any movie ever scare you? If so, what did? I may just have to rent it.

So, I never thought this would happen in the San Francisco area. I’m sitting here at work with all four Harry Potter DVDs, and one of my co-workers came by and told me that they’re bad news. “They promote witchcraft!”

Uh oh. One of those arguments you just don’t want to get in. So I played along and she went away.

Just to let you know, I finished the 7th book the Sunday after it was released, so in 1 1/2 days I guess. Awesome book, not as good as #5 or #4, but still good. I won’t write a review though because it’s too hard not to give anything away.

Anyways, back to my original topic. I’m tempted to ask some Wiccans I know what brought them into practicing witchcraft. Was it Harry Potter? I imagine them giving me a look like I was smoking crack.

Since I did cuisines earlier, I decided to do something else close to heart - Disney films.  The owner of the p.c. site doesn’t want Disney reviews, as he hates “kiddie” movies.  So I’m doing it on my blog instead.

I won’t be doing the live action movies because I personally thought most of them weren’t that good.  But I love Disney animation.

Agree, disagree, it’s all good.

Snow White - Kind of dated looking seeing it again as an adult, but still good.

Pinocchio -  Same as Snow White.

Fantasia - I know a lot of people loved this one, but it’s a Disney animated piece I don’t own and I’m not rushing to buy either.  Not a bad piece, but not one of the better ones.

Song of the South (live action, but had animation) - I’ve only seen this as a kid because the Political Correctness Nazis blocked this release to video.  From what I remember, it was really good.

Cinderella - It’s funny, after reading the uncensored fairy tale, it sure makes the Disney version look tame.  But this one’s still well-done.

Alice in Wonderland - I’ve seen probably a dozen movies with the Alice theme somehow incorporated in it.  Nothing’s a hair on Disney’s version.  I wonder if anyone will be able to capture the magic Disney captured with this one.

Peter Pan - I loved this movie as a child.  Even had the record (vinyl) of the songs.  Seeing it again as an adult and I wasn’t at all disappointed.

Lady and the Tramp - I liked this one as a kid, but it didn’t hold up seeing it again as an adult.

Sleeping Beauty - I didn’t like the Prince.  He was too dependent on the fairies’ magic and really didn’t do anything cool on his own.

101 Dalmations - I’m too prejudice to comment on this movie.  I hate dalmations.  They’re hyper, stupid dogs, a breed the world could do without, and whenever this movie hits the theatres, weeks later, parents give up on the stupid dalmation they got their kid and it ends up in the pound.

The Jungle Book - You know, I’ve never seen this as an adult so I won’t comment.  I liked it as a kid though.

Bedknobs and Broomsticks (live action but had animation) - I wonder if J.K. Rowling liked this one as a kid.  I saw it a few years ago as an adult and it looked dated, but as a kid, I loved it.

Robin Hood - This one just didn’t grab me.  I recently found out it’s the first movie Walt Disney wasn’t at all involved with (he died before the concept was even drawn out).

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh - I never saw this as an adult either, but Mrs. Z loves this one.

The Rescuers - I liked this one as a kid, but it bored me as an adult and I turned it off.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (live action but featured animation) - Excellent flick.  And based off a true story, sort of.  The automobile and oil companies bought up public transportation in L.A., which was one of the best in the world, and dismantled it for the ****** freeway.  If you’ve ever driven in L.A., you’ll know how aggrevating that can be.

The Little Mermaid - This was the movie that got me back into Disney.  They had a string of movies I just had no desire to see, then I remember seeing this one on a date with a cute Mexican girl.  I loved it.  I watched it recently and it’s still good.

The Rescuers Down Under - This one was okay, neither bad nor good.

Beauty and the Beast - Funny thing was I didn’t see this until 2002.  We went with a big group to Disney’s California Adventure (the worst amusement park I’ve ever been to) and one of the girls convinced me I had to see this one.  So I bought it, and fell in love with it.  This may be the best animated movie I’ve ever seen.

Aladdin - Another date movie, this was Robin Williams’ best work.  Excellent film, right up there with Little Mermaid.

The Lion King - Here’s where I get sacreligious.  I didn’t like this one.  It just seemed to me to be overproduced and overhyped, like a recent Metallica album.  I have no desire to see it again to see if my opinion changes.  I tried to watch parts and it didn’t grab me at all.

Pocahantas - Just didn’t get into it.

Hercules - Crap, utter crap.  I think this is when I started to dislike Michael Eisner.

Mulan - My wife liked it, I don’t.

The Emperor’s New Groove - Almost as bad as Hercules.  By then, I was a Disney shareholder and really upset.

Atlantis - Both my wife and I could only stomach five minutes of it.  This was horrible.

Lilo & Stitch - This was actually a surprise.  Mrs. Z, Junior, and I all enjoyed this one.

Treasure Planet - I can’t believe they made this one.  It was horrible.  Mrs. Z and I couldn’t get through it.

There have been three or four Disney feature films after Treasure Planet, but none I was in any hurry to catch.  They all looked horrible.