The Zombieslayer

There’s a grocery store chain in Texas called H.E.B. It’s a dang fine chain and I’ve had nothing but good experiences there, but we’d always joke that the reason they called the store H.E.B. is because the guy’s name was something like Hieronymus Edwardian Buttsniff or Harry Egghead Boonediddly or something along those lines.

Well, we eventually found out why they named the store H.E.B. The guy’s last name is Butts. Could you imagine a grocery store called Butts? I’d definitely not shop there. I don’t care how fresh the produce was.

I’d change my name if my last name was Butts. But (no pun intended), you think that’s bad. I met a lady the other day with a last name Takeshita. For the sake of your kids, lady, change your name. You could make it PG rated and change it to Takedumpa. Or just shorten it to Take.

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I’m still working on my energy post. I keep getting distracted by this and that so it’s not ready. I’m also working on another post on McCain vs Obama, finding the good and bad with both politicians. Don’t worry, I’ll give even more wordage to whomever Third Party candidates decide to run, because you know how I feel about the Republicrats.

The Democrats want to be your mother. The Republicans want to be your father. I already have two parents. I don’t need more parents!

Now, I got all kinds of info on McCain. Obama on the other hand I got nothing on. It’s because he’s one of the most vague politicians I’ve ever seen, and that’s really saying something. You want to see something bad? Check out this video on Ben’s blog. Even his key supporters have no idea what he’s done.

Here are two of the world’s greatest inventors ever who never got their due. No, I don’t know their names, but maybe they’ll be looking down from Heaven reading my blog and finally get a little bit of R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Know what I’m sayin’?

The first - the guy who invented the noodle. Italians and Chinese will argue until they’re blue in the face who invented the noodle first. The Chinese will say they invented it and Marco Polo brought it back to Italy. The Italians will claim they’ve always had it and Marco Polo just brought back fireworks and the kite. Big deal.

Whatever. Either way, whomever the guy was who invented the noodle gets hats off from yours truly. If I had to say the greatest inventions ever, it would be Penicillin, the wheel, and the noodle in no particular order.

Second, the chick who invented the dropping down toilet roll. You know, you’re at a public stall and you’re just about to run out of T.P. You start to panic, knowing you haven’t finished the job. You pull a little bit more out and BOOM, another roll falls down. You can wipe the sweat off your brow.

Yes, it was a woman who invented that. You know it too. A guy would never think of something like that. So hats off to her.

Doughnuts for Contractors

I’ve been a contractor (as opposed to full-time employee) on more occasions than I would have liked to have been. It’s not fun. You know you’re the first to go if things go south or if jobs get outsourced. Plus, when the expiration date draws near, you can’t concentrate on your work. You have to beef up your resume.

The true thing that sucks about being a contractor though is you don’t get all the perks a regular employee gets. If you see doughnuts laying around, you can’t just take one. Someone might see you. If they do, your contract won’t be renewed and you know it. You’ll have to wait for everyone to go out to lunch and hope there’s one left for you.

I’m a full-time employee now, so I take one with pride, then walk by where the contractors sit with powdered sugar and chocolate all over my face and a boasting smile. I know it pains them. I like to rub it in. “Dang, these are good doughnuts!”

Moral of the story - don’t take a contractor position unless you absolutely have to.

Bill Mayer annoyed me the other day. He was going on about the same old jokes about country folk. Yes, the same ones we’ve all heard before, how country people screw animals, their relatives, and are all racist. Blah blah blah. I hate Bill Mayer. The whole concept that celebrities have anything interesting to say is stupid. Celebrities should be seen and not heard. If you’re wondering why this country seems to be getting more stupid, well, it’s simply because people could name 100 celebrities, but not ten scientists/engineers/inventors.

Anyways, here’s the joke:

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next one will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.

I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5′6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6′8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Dorothy

Warning: Contains obscene situations. If you get offended easily, please skip this post.

One reason I like to drink is it loosens up other people. I’m already pretty loose, so I don’t need alcohol. Other people sometimes do.

I worked with this one Russian guy and he was always serious at work. The good thing about the Russians is that they rarely turn down booze. So I got “Ivan” nice and liquored up, and got him to tell me some jokes.

Ivan said in his part of Russia, they make fun of two groups of people - Jews, and Ukrainians. Well, I already posted a Jewish jokes on my old blog, and the jokes overlapped too much. However, I found the Ukrainian ones hilarious because they sound a lot like our “redneck” jokes.

How do Ukrainians put on their underwear?

Yellow in the front, brown in the back.

Why do little Ukrainian girls put a fish in their underwear?

So they can be like big Ukrainian girls.

Ivan was just about to tell me a third Ukrainian joke when someone else from the company came up to us and ruined the fun. We worked in a big corporation, so he knew if he told these Ukrainian jokes to anyone else there besides me, he’d probably have to watch that HR sensitivity video.

So, so much for Ukrainian jokes. I’ll have to get another Russian drunk to hear more. And don’t worry, I’ll share.

Warning - If you get offended easily, you might want to skip this post. It also has some R-rated language.

On my old blog, I had a series on ethnic jokes where I tried to hit everyone. It was a lot of fun. What was really funny is I got a lot of complaints that I didn’t get to their ethnicity yet. I had to tell people to have patience.

Now, what I find even funnier are ethnic jokes from other countries. Sometimes, they don’t translate very well and they sound stupid to us. For example, a Persian friend of mine was telling me a Turkish joke that sounded dumb. So then he apologized for not being able to translate it right. I told him no problem, and proceeded to tell him a Turkish joke a Pakistani friend of mine told me.

A Turkish guy is sitting on a plane next to a punk rocker with a 9″ Mohawk hairdo. He keeps staring at him and smiling, when finally, the punk rocker defensively asks the Turkish guy why he keeps looking over and smiling at him.

“How old are you?,” the Turkish guy asked.

“19.”

“Ah, you are my son!”

“Huh?,” the punk rocker asks.

“Well, 20 years ago, I made love to a peacock.”

I now have a Turkish friend and asked her who they make fun of. She told me “those Black Sea people.” Now, that’s funny.  Stupid Black Sea people.