The Zombieslayer

I was just on Lime’s blog and decided to do a write-up of what I told Lime.  Since my last two posts were political, here’s a little story that isn’t.

Last night, Mrs. Z was having a horrible day. So she, my real estate agent, and I went down to the local bar we all used to hang out awhile back. Haven’t been there in months.

Now, they got a new bartender - a woman. And a dang good-looking one at that.

Which sometimes worries me. Good looking people, both men and women, tend to be shallow. I know that sounds like a jerk for me to say it but it’s true. I’ve always said that if you’re really good looking, you don’t have to have a personality. People will like you regardless. There are exceptions of course, but this generally holds true.

So to my surprise, she turned out to be really cool. Needless to say, we started talking. For those who know me in person, you’ll know that if I like you as a person, I won’t shut up. I can talk for days about anything. Politics, humor, pop culture, art, sports, whatever. I like to talk.

We started talking about college, then music, then it went to the subject of chocolates versus flowers. We all agreed that if you’re a man, and you piss off a woman, give her a box of chocolates. You can get her so angry that if you got her flowers, she’d just take those flowers and throw them.

A woman would never do that to a box of chocolates.

When I was in high school, the wannabes loved to brag about how they listened to Bach, Vivaldi, and Mozart.  Jeez, put me to sleep.  I was listening to the good stuff - Tchaikovsky and Brahms.  I haven’t heard Brahms’ Fourth in years and revisiting and it’s every bit as good as I remember it.

I don’t know how it slipped past me, but now getting into a relatively obscure Extreme Metal band from the 80s called Bathory.  Named after the most evil person in history, folks who can’t stand lower budget production probably should skip this band.  However, I’m seeing past the bad production and straight into the music.  It’s quite good.

I’m loving Loreena McKinnett.  I had a friend back in ‘96 who heavily recommended her but never got a chance.  Now that I’m a member of eMusic.com, I got all her stuff she’s released on there.

I’m loving that my beloved Packers picked up Dom Capers as their Defensive Coordinator.  It’s about time we switched to the 3-4.  Our defense last year was porous, failed to make adjustments, and couldn’t generate any pressure on opposing Quarterbacks.  Plus, teams were running straight up the middle against us.  It was painful to watch.  A new DC and a new scheme may be just what the doctor ordered.

I’m loving Guinness beer.  I’ve been drinking one a night for over a week now for dinner.  It’s great beer.  It goes with everything.  Italian, Thai, stir fry, goes with it all.

I’m loving the food I cooked last night.  Had some people over and cooked eggplant with organic sausages, stewed tomatoes, lots of garlic and ginger, and zucchini squash all over pasta.  Turned out great.  Taking the leftovers to work tomorrow.

And I’m loving this joke:

A man goes to the doctor.  “Am I going to live to be a hundred?”

“Do you drink?,” the doctor asks.

“No.”

“Do you smoke?”

“No.”

“Do you chase loose women?”

“No.”

“Do you drive fast?”

“No.”

“Do you do any illegal drugs?”

“No.”

“Then why do you want to live to be a hundred?”

What are you loving now?

No, don’t worry. The zombies didn’t get me. It’s just I’ve been extremely busy and have once again neglected my blog.

So…

The zombie plague starts. The zombies start eating this guy in a suit and tie and go “uuuuuhhh” as they’re eating him. Then they catch this lady, knock her off her bicycle, and go “uuuuhhhh” as they’re eating her.

A cop sees the whole thing and tries to rescue the two people but he slips and the zombies devour him and go “uuuuhhhh.”

The plague spreads and soon they’re everywhere, eating everyone in sight. They get to a clown and start eating him then one zombie turns to the other and says “does this taste funny to you?”

Well, Bush did one thing right when leaving office so I’ll kindly give credit where it’s due - he finally pardoned Ramos and Compean, two Border Patrol agents doing their job. Update - Thanks Tshsmom. I read the article wrong. No, he didn’t pardon them but just shortened their sentences. OK, I’m now officially back to Bush sucks and can’t do anything right.
Obama took an oath to defend the Constitution. You think he’ll adhere to it? I don’t either. If you wonder why I hate both the Democrats and Republicans, well, probably the number one reason is the Democrats like This part of the Constitution but not That part. The Republicans on the other hand like That part of the Constitution but not This part. So for those who love their freedom and privacy, they’re both bad guys.

As for the economy, what Obama needs to do is cut taxes, but more importantly protect American jobs from going overseas and enforce the illegal immigration laws that undercut family farmers and the working classes. You simply cannot outsource more jobs than you create and expect an economy to continue going strong. I’ve been saying this since I started blogging in ‘05.

And finally, I’m supposed to say something nice about someone I hate. Here’s the nice side of The Zombieslayer. OK, something nice about PETA. Let’s see…

Well, they do manage to convince stupid actresses to take their clothes off, like Eva Mendes and Alicia Silverstone. So that’s a good thing at least.

Hope you all are doing fine and I hope the global economy recovers. Most importantly, people around the world need to start using birth control. If you wonder why there’s always war somewhere, it’s because there are too many people for the resources. Religion, nationalism, race, ethnicity, etc., are just the excuse.

Fellow Pretentious Critic writer Badman and I have one of the same pet peeves.  We both hate it when someone says they like all kinds of music.

NO YOU DON’T.   You do not like all kinds of music.  Nobody does.  No one who ever lived likes all kinds of music.

People who say this are either:

a) Lazy nimrods,

b) Too chickenshit too offend anyone so they try to appease everyone by saying they like all kinds of music,

c) or both a and b.

I know what I like.  I like Metal, except I absolutely loathe NuMetal or any other of that whiny shite that they try to pass off as Metal.  I also don’t like Grindcore or any other type of noise metal with no purpose.

I also like the Romantic Era of Classical Music.  Baroque and everything before and everything after I could do without.  Yes, that means Bach, Mozart, and Vivaldi, three favorites of a lot of people.  I can’t stand any of them.

If you want to listen to great Classical, pick up Tchaikovsky, Brahms, or Beethoven.  There are a lot more Classical composers from the Romantic Era I like, but those are my three favorites.

I also hate rap, country, smooth jazz, top 40, boy bands, the Eagles, the Beatles, Aerosmith, Dave Matthews, Boston, Nirvana, Oasis, Jessica Simpson, her even more untalented sister (didn’t think that was possible at first), James Blunt, Fergie, or any other of that American Idol raw sewage they try to force feed down our throats.

Narrow minded? Damn straight.  I know what I like.  If your tastes differ, GREAT.  More power to you.  I don’t want you and I to have the same taste.  It’s our differences that make us interesting.  If you’re just like me, that would bore the heck out of me.

The thing is, I can enjoy other types of music if they’re done right.  Goth, Celtic, Bluegrass, old school Americana, even live jazz I can enjoy if the musicians are really into what they’re doing.  I’ve been known to go to dance clubs too, chilling to anything from Industrial to Techno to House, if you have the right people to go with.  I don’t really dance, just enjoy a good cocktail, people watch, and hang.

But back to my main point - NOBODY likes all kinds of music.  If anyone makes that claim that they like all types of music, immediately respond with the following:

They are to name five solo artists or bands they like in each category.  If they fail, denounce them as liars and forbid them from your anti-zombie compound.  Yes, the punishment is death by zombies.

01) Black Metal.  They say they like all types of music.  Let’s see them name five Black Metal bands they like.

02) Country.  Let’s go the other extreme.  Name five country bands they like.

03) Nazi Punk.  Yes.  They said all types of music.  I personally hate Nazis, but know there are at least one hundred Nazi Punk bands in the world so make ‘em give you five Nazi Punk bands.

Now you see I already exposed them as liars, but let’s keep this going just to rub it in.

04) Christian Gospel.  Let’s go another extreme.  We have Black Metal which is often Satanic.  Not only are many Black Metal bands Satanic, some have been known to burn churches and have even spent time in jail for murder.  Now on the opposite end of the spectrum, we have Christian Gospel.  Five Christian Gospel bands they like.  That’s all they have to name.  Should be easy for these uber-open-minded fools.

05)  Hellbilly.  Here’s another extreme.  No, not just plain Cowpunk, but Hellbilly.  It’s a little bit more, well, a lot more hardcore than just Cowpunk.  Five bands.  I’m waiting.

06) Gangsta Rap - Where Hellbilly may be a reaction against pretentious city buttholes, let’s twist it entirely around and go inner city, deep in the inner cities, straight up Compton.  Even better if at least one band member spent time in the pokie.  Five Gangsta Rap artists.  Make them name their favorite five (preferably while staring down the barrel of your Glock 9mm, held gangsta-style).

07) Polka - Get the beer flowing, the lederhosen on, and whip out the old accordion.  They’re so freaking open minded.  Make ‘em give you their top five polka acts.  No, make ‘em put away their laptop.  No cheating.  If they fail to give you five, stick das boot as far up their open minded ass as it will go.

08) Straight Edge Punk - That’s right, folks.  Since you cannot possibly listen to Polka sober, you cannot possibly listen to Straight Edge Punk drunk, because Straight Edge is against drinking.  But no fair, they say? No, they screwed up.  They’re the one who said they like all kinds of music.  Polka and Straight Edge cancel each other out.  So what is it? Do they like Polka or do they like Straight Edge Punk? One cannot possibly like both. My trump card.  They lose.  So much for them being open minded.

09) Disco - Heh.  Just had to throw that in there.  I’ve already proved my point, so now just putting up a #9 and #10.  “Macho Macho Ma-han.  I wanna be a Macho Man.”  Open minded my macho ass.

10) Smooth Jazz.  I hate smooth jazz.  My version of Hell would be nothing but The View and American Idol on the idiot box with smooth jazz playing constantly everywhere you go.

So that’s the quiz.  Give them a chance to repent and admit they’re wrong.  If they don’t repent, deny them entry into your compound.  When the zombies come, they’ll need some fools to feed on.  In the meantime, blast your boombox to your favorite jams to drown out their screaming.  Gloria Gaynor? Excellent choice.  I’ll sing along with you for old times sake.

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore
weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I’d crumble
you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive

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Have a great weekend, everyone.  I’m going to be gone all weekend but I’ll try to swing by next week.  Until then, keep practicing your headshots to the beat of YOUR favorite drummer.

There’s a grocery store chain in Texas called H.E.B. It’s a dang fine chain and I’ve had nothing but good experiences there, but we’d always joke that the reason they called the store H.E.B. is because the guy’s name was something like Hieronymus Edwardian Buttsniff or Harry Egghead Boonediddly or something along those lines.

Well, we eventually found out why they named the store H.E.B. The guy’s last name is Butts. Could you imagine a grocery store called Butts? I’d definitely not shop there. I don’t care how fresh the produce was.

I’d change my name if my last name was Butts. But (no pun intended), you think that’s bad. I met a lady the other day with a last name Takeshita. For the sake of your kids, lady, change your name. You could make it PG rated and change it to Takedumpa. Or just shorten it to Take.

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I’m still working on my energy post. I keep getting distracted by this and that so it’s not ready. I’m also working on another post on McCain vs Obama, finding the good and bad with both politicians. Don’t worry, I’ll give even more wordage to whomever Third Party candidates decide to run, because you know how I feel about the Republicrats.

The Democrats want to be your mother. The Republicans want to be your father. I already have two parents. I don’t need more parents!

Now, I got all kinds of info on McCain. Obama on the other hand I got nothing on. It’s because he’s one of the most vague politicians I’ve ever seen, and that’s really saying something. You want to see something bad? Check out this video on Ben’s blog. Even his key supporters have no idea what he’s done.