The Zombieslayer

I’ve been Bush bashing a lot recently, so I thought this would be appropriate. So to make things fair, I think I’d publish a good joke at the Democrats’ expense.

My buddy sent this to me recently, but it was an updated version. I’m going to change it back to the original version I heard years ago.

Subject: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your spouse and two small children. Suddenly, a psycho with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

……………………………………………………..

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN

Democrat’s Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

……………………………………………………

For the record, I’m neither a Democrat nor Republican, but I would have shot twice in the chest and once in the face, especially considering it’s a .40 caliber.

Folks, it’s July 4th, and some of you have already started drinking. For those who are sober, Neal showed me this site:

http://www.issues2000.org/default.htm

It has all the candidates and how they are on the issues. Please read up on your favorite candidates before deciding how you will vote. And vote too, dammit! Don’t make some lame ass excuse for not voting. I don’t care if you vote for your dog, just vote.

American jokes

I’m bringing back an old post from the other blog. Most of you haven’t read it, because this is really old. The few of you who have, well, maybe you can get a 2nd laugh from it. Here goes:

As promised, here are my American jokes. I heard all of them from one guy, a German intern we used to have. I’ll call him Herman.

Herman’s a super nice guy. But like a typical European, he’s an unrealistic pacifist. He has an irrational fear of firearms (so I was unable to take him to the shooting range). At least he takes showers though. Nothing worse than a smelly European.

Because of his overly pacifism, he could never be the soccer player he could have been. He passes to someone else so they could flub the shot rather than taking the shot himself. It’s because he’s too nice. He would rather his buddy score than himself. That’s fine and all, but if your buddy’s a spaz, take the dang shot yourself and score one for the team instead of being a nice guy.

His other weakness is that he’s whipped, really bad. He got offended when I said he picked the wrong sister to be his girlfriend. His girlfriend’s Vietnamese. She can’t cook anything but top ramen. Her sister however supposedly makes wonderful pho. Now, the choice in my book is obvious. I don’t care if his girlfriend’s a ten and her sister’s only a six. I’d take the one who could make pho. Priorities, Herman.

Not only that, at the time, we were in Santa Barbara, the town of hot chicks. His girlfriend was in Germany. We’d be walking down State Street, see a gaggle of hot chicks, and he’d look the other way. I’d say, “Herman, what are you doing?”

“That’s cheating.”

“Huh? I’m married and I’ll still look. What’s wrong with you, Herman?”

Geez. Wacko Germans.

Anyways, here they are, brought to you by Herman the German intern - American jokes.

Two Americans are in Switzerland waiting at the bus stop. A guy comes up to them and says “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?”

The two Americans just look at him.

“Lei parla l’italiano?”

The two Americans just look at him.

¿Hablan ustedes español?

The two Americans just look at him.

Parlez-vous le français?

The two Americans just look at him.

Finally, the guy gets frustrated and takes off. After he leaves, one of the Americans turns to the other. “Do you think we should learn a foreign language?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Well, look at that guy. He spoke four and look what good it did him!”

Here’s another. Do you know how you spot the American?
He’s the fat guy asking for directions.

And finally…
You know what you call someone who speaks two languages?
Bilingual

Do you know what you call someone who speaks three languages?
Trilingual

Do you know what you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.

Ha ha. Stupid Herman. The whole world should speak American English anyways. If you know any American jokes, please send ‘em. If you got offended, unfortunately, I lost touch with Herman so I can’t send his address so you can’t track him down and kick his ***. If you do catch him, don’t worry, he’s a pacifist so he won’t hit back. And if Herman happens to be reading this, I still stand by what I said that you’re dating the wrong sister. Hope you didn’t marry that non-cooking chick. No wonder you’re so skinny.

Oh, one more thing Herman, my cousin said you had beautiful eyes. You’re too late though, she just got married recently. And yes, she’s a heck of a cook.

Dating in 1957
It’s the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s mother answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” she says.

That’s cool. Peggy Sue’s mother asks Harold what they’re planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s mother responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says “Wha…aat?
“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s mother, “We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she’d screw all night if we let her!”

Harold’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue omes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announcesthat she’s ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, “Have a good evening kids,” with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

“Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It’s called The Twist!”

This is an old one that I decided to bring back.  It’s still relevant, and even more so after having a good time in San Francisco the past few nights with Mrs. Z and my friend from Egypt, who let’s hope will become an American soon.  He’s an example of a good foreigner.  Here ’tis, good foreigners vs bad foreigners:

Welcome to America. Feel free to drive around and explore the most beautiful nation on Earth. True, I haven’t been to every country yet, but I know enough to know that America has so much land diversity that we blow away everywhere else. We still have open space, and our climate is not too extreme. Sure Siberia (in Russia) has lots more open space, just don’t get stuck there during winter time. Just as important, we have more freedom than just about anywhere else. Did you know in Britain, remaining silent is an admission of guilt? Pretty scary, huh? Also, you can’t own guns. How do they expect you to defend yourself against zombies? I’d never rely on the government to do anything, except deliver mail. They’re pretty good at that. But to defend you against zombies, dream on.

As for the bad foreigners, when the zombies come, don’t expect me to let you in to my anti-zombie compound. Instead, I’ll lock up and laugh as they maul you and take you away. I’ll probably even videotape it.

All right brothas, let me share some tips with you on pimpin’. In a recent survey, yours truly was ranked 18th in the world on men who understand women.

Now, you might be thinking that 18th isn’t very impressive. Let’s put this in perspective. That’s out of three billion males, and of the seventeen ahead of me, one was Hugh Hefner, one was Wilt Chamberlin, one was Tom Lykis, one was Prince, and the others were people who didn’t want to be named for one reason or another. So it would be in your best interest to heed my wordage, yo? And yes, I beat out Snoop. He gets girls because of his fame and money. You don’t seriously think it’s for his looks, do you?

This is tip #1 in a series of tips on pimpin’. This one requires patience, something that many of you do not have. Fear not though, because you could be working several leads on the side without disclosing.

This only works with really hot women. See, hot women are used to getting what they want. They never have to buy drinks. They never have to do their own homework. They know not the meaning of hard work. They also have yet to meet their match. Their match - will be you.

Get to know her. Become friends with her, but make it clear you’re not interested in “that” way. Make her interested in you, but once again, I emphasize make it clear you’re not interested in her “that” way.

However, you’re interested in her friend. Yeah, she’s a real cutie and it would be great if she could set the two of you up. This is the tricky part. Women, especially hot women, hate competition. They especially hate it when it’s their friend. Do not pick their plain friend, but pick one that is almost as hot as she is. Take out that friend on a date, to your place, with candlelight, a nice bottle of wine, and a dinner you prepared. If you need to learn how to cook like a Pimp, that’s my other course and it’s only $199.00 plus shipping and handling, but let’s not change the subject.

When the date is over, you absolutely must kiss her, but not go any further. Immediately call your “friend” and tell her all about it. It will boggle her mind why you picked her friend over her and she’ll melt in your hand like butter.