The Zombieslayer

Ever notice that the ones who proclaim the loudest how open-minded they are are also the ones who can’t stand it when people disagree with them?

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I don’t like Jazz.  I’ve always seen Jazz as a group masturbation session.  Each person takes their turn to masturbate.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I think Jazz musicians are amongst the top in pretty much every category.  But there’s this thing called “melody” which I’ve always thought is more important than musicianship.

That said, I hate top-4o for the opposite reason.  Top-40 has no musicianship.  It’s just the singer.  If it’s a female singer, she’s singing about her boyfriend.  If it’s a male singer, he’s singing about himself.  No depth.  Whatsoever.

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So British snobbery has come back to bite them on the ass.  Well, at least when it comes to film.  The latest James Bond movie was hands down the worst James Bond movie ever made.  What’s worse, the latest Harry Potter film was just bad.  David Yates sucks and should be unemployed eating soup with other unemployed people.  Where he shouldn’t be is behind a camera.

That’s the problem with the British.  They’re snobs.  If you’re British and you’re reading this, come on.  Admit it.  I admit that us Americans make annoying tourists.  You can admit you’re a bunch of snobs.

So, why does this matter? The British absolutely positively have to have a British director directing Harry Potter films even though hands down the best Harry Potter film was directed by a Mexican.  It’s not only the best of the series, but the only one in the series that’s worthy of being studied in a film class.

So we’re stuck with David Yates.  That means, no Harry Potter 7.  I refuse to see them, as he’s had two chances already and got big FAILS for each one.

If I were running the franchise, I’d do one of the following:

1) Get Alfonso Cuaron back (the director of HP3),

2) Get the American guy who did Milk.  Now, that was a well-directed movie.

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OK, dumb idea telling you to buy the DOW at 12k.  However, smart idea telling you to buy Ford at $1.77.  I did, and sold most of it at $6.  I don’t have much left though but holding those shares long term as Fords are cool.  Did you know the “foam” cushions inside the seats are made of soy? How cool is that? Or that Ford has the largest green roof in the entire world?

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So you want to know what I’m looking forward to? Well, Spike Jonze doing my favorite kid’s book of all-time.  Can’t wait to see this.  I’ll write a full review October 17th.

When I was in high school, the wannabes loved to brag about how they listened to Bach, Vivaldi, and Mozart.  Jeez, put me to sleep.  I was listening to the good stuff - Tchaikovsky and Brahms.  I haven’t heard Brahms’ Fourth in years and revisiting and it’s every bit as good as I remember it.

I don’t know how it slipped past me, but now getting into a relatively obscure Extreme Metal band from the 80s called Bathory.  Named after the most evil person in history, folks who can’t stand lower budget production probably should skip this band.  However, I’m seeing past the bad production and straight into the music.  It’s quite good.

I’m loving Loreena McKinnett.  I had a friend back in ‘96 who heavily recommended her but never got a chance.  Now that I’m a member of eMusic.com, I got all her stuff she’s released on there.

I’m loving that my beloved Packers picked up Dom Capers as their Defensive Coordinator.  It’s about time we switched to the 3-4.  Our defense last year was porous, failed to make adjustments, and couldn’t generate any pressure on opposing Quarterbacks.  Plus, teams were running straight up the middle against us.  It was painful to watch.  A new DC and a new scheme may be just what the doctor ordered.

I’m loving Guinness beer.  I’ve been drinking one a night for over a week now for dinner.  It’s great beer.  It goes with everything.  Italian, Thai, stir fry, goes with it all.

I’m loving the food I cooked last night.  Had some people over and cooked eggplant with organic sausages, stewed tomatoes, lots of garlic and ginger, and zucchini squash all over pasta.  Turned out great.  Taking the leftovers to work tomorrow.

And I’m loving this joke:

A man goes to the doctor.  “Am I going to live to be a hundred?”

“Do you drink?,” the doctor asks.

“No.”

“Do you smoke?”

“No.”

“Do you chase loose women?”

“No.”

“Do you drive fast?”

“No.”

“Do you do any illegal drugs?”

“No.”

“Then why do you want to live to be a hundred?”

Fellow Pretentious Critic writer Badman and I have one of the same pet peeves.  We both hate it when someone says they like all kinds of music.

NO YOU DON’T.   You do not like all kinds of music.  Nobody does.  No one who ever lived likes all kinds of music.

People who say this are either:

a) Lazy nimrods,

b) Too chickenshit too offend anyone so they try to appease everyone by saying they like all kinds of music,

c) or both a and b.

I know what I like.  I like Metal, except I absolutely loathe NuMetal or any other of that whiny shite that they try to pass off as Metal.  I also don’t like Grindcore or any other type of noise metal with no purpose.

I also like the Romantic Era of Classical Music.  Baroque and everything before and everything after I could do without.  Yes, that means Bach, Mozart, and Vivaldi, three favorites of a lot of people.  I can’t stand any of them.

If you want to listen to great Classical, pick up Tchaikovsky, Brahms, or Beethoven.  There are a lot more Classical composers from the Romantic Era I like, but those are my three favorites.

I also hate rap, country, smooth jazz, top 40, boy bands, the Eagles, the Beatles, Aerosmith, Dave Matthews, Boston, Nirvana, Oasis, Jessica Simpson, her even more untalented sister (didn’t think that was possible at first), James Blunt, Fergie, or any other of that American Idol raw sewage they try to force feed down our throats.

Narrow minded? Damn straight.  I know what I like.  If your tastes differ, GREAT.  More power to you.  I don’t want you and I to have the same taste.  It’s our differences that make us interesting.  If you’re just like me, that would bore the heck out of me.

The thing is, I can enjoy other types of music if they’re done right.  Goth, Celtic, Bluegrass, old school Americana, even live jazz I can enjoy if the musicians are really into what they’re doing.  I’ve been known to go to dance clubs too, chilling to anything from Industrial to Techno to House, if you have the right people to go with.  I don’t really dance, just enjoy a good cocktail, people watch, and hang.

But back to my main point - NOBODY likes all kinds of music.  If anyone makes that claim that they like all types of music, immediately respond with the following:

They are to name five solo artists or bands they like in each category.  If they fail, denounce them as liars and forbid them from your anti-zombie compound.  Yes, the punishment is death by zombies.

01) Black Metal.  They say they like all types of music.  Let’s see them name five Black Metal bands they like.

02) Country.  Let’s go the other extreme.  Name five country bands they like.

03) Nazi Punk.  Yes.  They said all types of music.  I personally hate Nazis, but know there are at least one hundred Nazi Punk bands in the world so make ‘em give you five Nazi Punk bands.

Now you see I already exposed them as liars, but let’s keep this going just to rub it in.

04) Christian Gospel.  Let’s go another extreme.  We have Black Metal which is often Satanic.  Not only are many Black Metal bands Satanic, some have been known to burn churches and have even spent time in jail for murder.  Now on the opposite end of the spectrum, we have Christian Gospel.  Five Christian Gospel bands they like.  That’s all they have to name.  Should be easy for these uber-open-minded fools.

05)  Hellbilly.  Here’s another extreme.  No, not just plain Cowpunk, but Hellbilly.  It’s a little bit more, well, a lot more hardcore than just Cowpunk.  Five bands.  I’m waiting.

06) Gangsta Rap - Where Hellbilly may be a reaction against pretentious city buttholes, let’s twist it entirely around and go inner city, deep in the inner cities, straight up Compton.  Even better if at least one band member spent time in the pokie.  Five Gangsta Rap artists.  Make them name their favorite five (preferably while staring down the barrel of your Glock 9mm, held gangsta-style).

07) Polka - Get the beer flowing, the lederhosen on, and whip out the old accordion.  They’re so freaking open minded.  Make ‘em give you their top five polka acts.  No, make ‘em put away their laptop.  No cheating.  If they fail to give you five, stick das boot as far up their open minded ass as it will go.

08) Straight Edge Punk - That’s right, folks.  Since you cannot possibly listen to Polka sober, you cannot possibly listen to Straight Edge Punk drunk, because Straight Edge is against drinking.  But no fair, they say? No, they screwed up.  They’re the one who said they like all kinds of music.  Polka and Straight Edge cancel each other out.  So what is it? Do they like Polka or do they like Straight Edge Punk? One cannot possibly like both. My trump card.  They lose.  So much for them being open minded.

09) Disco - Heh.  Just had to throw that in there.  I’ve already proved my point, so now just putting up a #9 and #10.  “Macho Macho Ma-han.  I wanna be a Macho Man.”  Open minded my macho ass.

10) Smooth Jazz.  I hate smooth jazz.  My version of Hell would be nothing but The View and American Idol on the idiot box with smooth jazz playing constantly everywhere you go.

So that’s the quiz.  Give them a chance to repent and admit they’re wrong.  If they don’t repent, deny them entry into your compound.  When the zombies come, they’ll need some fools to feed on.  In the meantime, blast your boombox to your favorite jams to drown out their screaming.  Gloria Gaynor? Excellent choice.  I’ll sing along with you for old times sake.

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore
weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I’d crumble
you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive

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Have a great weekend, everyone.  I’m going to be gone all weekend but I’ll try to swing by next week.  Until then, keep practicing your headshots to the beat of YOUR favorite drummer.

I’ll be back next week.

Until then, I leave you Muse.  Pompous, overblown, and full of cheese.  I love these guys.  They have some elements of Queen but their singer sounds like the Radiohead guy.  Thank God the 90s are over.

No. Queen is not my favorite band. They’re not even in my top 20 of all-time.

However, I will say this. When they’re good, they’re really good.

Queen, for all their records, had only two that are listenable the whole way through - Night At The Opera, and Innuendo. Sadly, shortly after Innuendo was released, Freddie Mercury died.

His death didn’t hit me like a ton of bricks though because I had known about it for several years before he died. There were rumors at the time that Rob Halford, Freddie Mercury, and Perry Ferrell all had AIDS.

I dismissed the Halford and Ferrell rumors as rumors, but knew the one about Mercury was true. He had stopped touring for years and people actually had the decency to stop taking pictures of him, for he looked horrible. In his last year, I heard he rarely left his surroundings.

As for their music, when they’re good, they’re really good. Night At The Opera is without a doubt one of the best albums of all-time. I remember in the late 80s and early 90s, I’d be listening to the album and there was always some ass clown who would say “how could you listen to that? It’s just so weird!” Then after that stupid Wayne’s World movie came out, those same ass clowns would be saying “oh! It’s that song from Wayne’s World! I love that song!” You see why us pretentious critics sometimes look down on people’s taste in music?

The movie Highlander was everything that was right about the 80s. You had a hero that was genuinely cool, not some “reluctant hero” from the 90s who’s cynical and selfish, and only becomes a hero out of necessity. (As you can probably tell, I hated the 90s and everything about it).

Queen did the soundtrack and the songs on it were some of the best movie songs ever written. The song Who Wants To Live Forever? builds up into a huge crescendo, then Freddie Mercury tragically utters “our love must die.” It’s like you finally bed that person of your dreams and right after climaxing together, that person turns to you and says “it’s not going to work.”

Queen and Freddie Mercury have a way of pounding your heartstrings like no other band before them. Their music is timeless, and transcends perfectly into whatever time period you play them. They are without labels, and it’s a good thing. They’ve played literally dozens of types of music in their career.

I’m well-aware that they’ve reformed with a new singer, but just have no desire to see them in their current form. I’m sure the guy’s a good guy and a good fit, but I’d rather not have my memories of this band altered in any way. You simply don’t tamper with something that works.

So here’s to Queen, and the memory of Freddie Mercury. May he live forever.