The Zombieslayer

Brazilian Supermodel Gisele Bundchen, the world’s highest paid model and sixteenth richest woman (according to Forbes), blames parents and not the fashion industry for eating disorders.

Huh? Is she saying that it’s the parents’ job to raise their children? That’s strange.  I was under the impression that parents are only supposed to breed them, then leave them, and let the government raise the children.

I don’t get it.  I’m really busy.  I work 40 hours a week, and when I get home, I don’t want to spend time with my kid.  Let the government and the schools work on his self-esteem.  I just want to watch t.v.

Geez.  The next thing you know, parents might even have to monitor the movies their kids watch and the music they listen to.  I’m too busy for that.  Let the government do that.  She’s telling us we need to be responsible for our gonads? Come on.  Let the taxpayers pick up the bill.

How could someone actually have the audacity to say a parent should parent their children? Doesn’t she know how busy we are? I bet she doesn’t even have children.  If she did, she’d think otherwise.

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I had this satire already written, but this morning I found out George Carlin passed on.  It’s a shame.  He will be missed.  My favorite comedians of all-time in order are Dave Chappelle, Eddie Murphy, Bill Hicks, George Carlin,  Sam Kineson, Bill Cosby, and Rodney Dangerfield.  It sucks only three of them are still alive.  My condolences go out to his loved ones.  Carlin has made me laugh many, many times.

So, Kathleen, you want me to predict the future? You’re on.

I’m a fortune-teller.  You just handed me $25 and I’m telling you your future.

“I see a change.”

Well, of course there’s a change because everyone’s life changes.

“Someone you care about will be really sick.”

One strategy of going about it.  You rope them in with this one.  The thing is, the older the person is, the more likely this is to be true.  My Grandfather died recently, I lost one co-worker to cancer a few months ago, and personally know several folks who recently went through Chemo.  The older you get, the more people you know who are in bad health.

“Now is not the time to look for a new job.”

Well, no shit, Sherlock.  It doesn’t take a fortune-teller to tell you that the economy sucks right now.  When the economy picks up, you tell them that they’ll have opportunities, but it’s their job to cease the day or else they won’t get that chance again.  Either way, the fortune-teller wins.  If they fall flat on their face, the blame goes on the customer, not the fortune-teller.  And if they get that job, well, that fortune-teller was damn good.

“Oooo, I see trouble in your relationship.  Tough times ahead.  It may or may not work itself out.”

Hook, line, and sinker.  Keep it open ended.  All relationships have problems.  This is as vague as it gets, but no matter which way it goes, the fortune-teller is right.

I could go on and on telling your fortune, but I didn’t want to do this post.  The post I really wanted to do, was this one…

Zombiesladamus predicts the world’s future

Picking individual people is too easy.  Predicting world events is so much more fun.  All those great prophesiers, sages, wizards, or whatever, it’s all a load of bull.  You simply take history and let it repeat.  It’s so easy.  And the more vague you are, the more chance you are to be right.  Keep it open to interpretation, and never put a time stamp on it.

Most of the stuff I predict though will happen within the next 500 years.  And people 500 years from now can look back at this post and say the Great Zombiesladamus knew the future.

There will be a Great War in the Middle East.

This one tops the “no shit, Sherlock” list.  There will always be fighting in the Middle East.  Those people will fight over anything.  I’m just surprised they haven’t had a war over Coke vs Pepsi yet.  That’s probably coming though.

I see people dying in floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes.

I hear this crap from Bible prophets who want your money who say the end is coming because this all is happening.  You know what? There will always be floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes.  There have been natural disasters since history began and there will always be natural disasters.  It does not mean the end of the world.  Hate to burst your bubble.

A good man will die by the hands of an evil man.

Heh.  This one’s too easy.  How many times did it happen last century?

The tiger and the eagle will become one.

What does this mean? Well, it could mean anything.  Whatever it means, guarantee it happens within 500 years from now.

But the cobra will STRIKE the bear.

Got to use a little emphasis.  It looks cool.  If this one doesn’t happen, no one will mention it.  When you prophesize, they only mention the ones you got right.

Water.  Water, nowhere to be seen.

You think this current oil war sucks, just wait until certain countries run out of groundwater.  Will happen in your children’s’ life times.

The knot must be tied or else there will be no peace.

Huh? Whatever that means.  Funny thing is someone will interpret it to mean something.  Just watch.

They will mourn for her death for years and years to come.

There will always be a charismatic woman that everyone can’t help loving.  Evita Peron, Mother Teresa, Princess Di, Condoleeza Rice.  Just kidding about that last one.

And even the greatest of wealths meant nothing to the one in red.

Once again, keep it vague.  It will mean something sometime in the future.

Her voice, that angelic voice, won over the hearts of those at war and gave us peace.

Ok.  May or may not happen, but so far, I’ve had so many guarantees that if this happens, I’ll give Nostradamus a good run for his money.

And he failed to heed the oracle and paid deeply.

Some loonie toon out there will warn someone not to do something and that person will still do it and die.  Happens all the time.  But this time, it will be a big world leader.  Maybe someone will tell him not to get on a plane and he does and it crashes.  Or they’ll tell some President not to make a speech but she doesn’t listen and gets assassinated.  Whatever the case, it will happen, because it’s happened many times before and I have 500 years to be right.

Well, there you go.  Add your own if you want.  Just remember, the more vague, the more chance you are to be right.  Plus, it helps to know both history and current events.  Humans are predictable.  They tend to do the same stupid stuff over and over again.  Knowing that, you too can predict the future.

Shame on Brigitte Bardot.  Looks like she will get arrested for telling how she feels about Islam.  You all know that’s not politically correct.

Islam is the most peaceful religion, EVER! It is after all, the religion of peace.

They’re such nice people.  They let women wear neat clothes and do wonderful things with bombs.

We should embrace them all and let them all come here, and even enforce their laws instead of our own.  That would be cool.

So shame on Brigitte Bardot.  She should be silenced and powerless and if she was only forced to wear a burka like all women should, she’d know why Islam is the best religion in the world (and only religion that should be allowed - kill all the infidels).

Speaking of bad drivers, I just got done shopping today, and was in the far left turn lane making a left turn, when the car to my right (in the other left turn lane) veered into my lane, completely unaware of my existence. Now, I never honk to punish a driver. I learned that in Driver’s Ed. I only honk to prevent an accident and that’s why I honked.

The driver quickly realized what she did wrong and corrected herself to prevent from making me swerve into the center divider to not get hit by her. She then sped up to avoid further embarrassment. As she sped up, I noticed an Obama bumper sticker. And it hit me. Eureka! Negative campaigning.

Think for a moment of your least favorite political candidate. Take one of their bumper stickers and put it on the back of your car. Then proceed to be the biggest jackass on the road.

Drive ten miles an hour under the speed limit in the left lane right at 8:55. Double park your car in prime real estate right at peak shopping hours. Cut someone off, then flip them off, then speed off. Pretend to gab on your cell phone and almost hit the person to your left, notice them, over-correct, and almost hit the person to your right.

That bumper sticker will be the thing they remember that night, and it will leave a bad taste in their mouth when they go to the polls.

My God. You got to be kidding me.

Is it possible to be more hypersensitive than the Islamic religion? I mean, seriously, can anyone be more hypersensitive than Muslims? I make fun of politically correct liberals all the time for being hypersensitive, but his is a whole new level.

Now, I wish I was making up this story, but I’m not. This is true. In Sudan, an English schoolteacher is going to jail for 15 days for naming her teddy bear Mohamed. Supposedly, she narrowly got away from a even more harsh sentence of forty lashes. In Sudan, protests erupted and many of the protesters complained the sentence was too lenient. She deserved death. Yes, death.

The audacity! No Christian who ever lived named their teddy bear “Jesus” and I’m sure no Buddhist who ever lived named their teddy bear “Buddha.” Why, I’d be so offended, if someone named their teddy bear Jesus, I’d stop what I’m doing right now and go to their house and shoot them so full of holes, they’d be picking up pieces for days! Weeks! Years!

I’m being sarcastic of course, but I assume you know that. I’ve seen Cradle of Filth twice live and Dimmu Borgir once. I know they’re offensive, but their music is good. Had they said a tenth of the things about Islam that they say about Christianity, they’ll have more fatwas than the number of games the Detroit Lions choke (that’s a lot of fatwas).

I don’t know about you, but I’m embarrassed for my Muslim relatives and friends. I’m embarrassed the same way I was embarrassed by Mark Chmura’s (a Christian and a Green Bay Packer) dumb ass who refused to visit Bill Clinton because of moral reasons, then he proceeded to have a sexual affair with his underage babysitter.

In the sake of Islamic P.R., I call on moderate Muslims to break this woman out of jail and beat some of these whackjobs’ asses. This makes you look bad, really bad. I’m serious. Really, really bad. No other religion is this hypersensitive. No other religion is doing crap like this.

You’ve become the laughingstock of the 21st century. Don’t give me poverty as an excuse. There are Hindus that are a heck of a lot more poor than you, yet they don’t put people in jail for making fun of that dude with the elephant head or that chick with the six arms.

I am not against Islam. I will make that clear. I will also make clear that I will call someone an idiot when they’re being an idiot, and those people are being idiots. I will also make it clear that Islam needs some serious P.R. work, especially when crap like this makes international news.