The Zombieslayer

Speaking of bad drivers, I just got done shopping today, and was in the far left turn lane making a left turn, when the car to my right (in the other left turn lane) veered into my lane, completely unaware of my existence. Now, I never honk to punish a driver. I learned that in Driver’s Ed. I only honk to prevent an accident and that’s why I honked.

The driver quickly realized what she did wrong and corrected herself to prevent from making me swerve into the center divider to not get hit by her. She then sped up to avoid further embarrassment. As she sped up, I noticed an Obama bumper sticker. And it hit me. Eureka! Negative campaigning.

Think for a moment of your least favorite political candidate. Take one of their bumper stickers and put it on the back of your car. Then proceed to be the biggest jackass on the road.

Drive ten miles an hour under the speed limit in the left lane right at 8:55. Double park your car in prime real estate right at peak shopping hours. Cut someone off, then flip them off, then speed off. Pretend to gab on your cell phone and almost hit the person to your left, notice them, over-correct, and almost hit the person to your right.

That bumper sticker will be the thing they remember that night, and it will leave a bad taste in their mouth when they go to the polls.

My God. You got to be kidding me.

Is it possible to be more hypersensitive than the Islamic religion? I mean, seriously, can anyone be more hypersensitive than Muslims? I make fun of politically correct liberals all the time for being hypersensitive, but his is a whole new level.

Now, I wish I was making up this story, but I’m not. This is true. In Sudan, an English schoolteacher is going to jail for 15 days for naming her teddy bear Mohamed. Supposedly, she narrowly got away from a even more harsh sentence of forty lashes. In Sudan, protests erupted and many of the protesters complained the sentence was too lenient. She deserved death. Yes, death.

The audacity! No Christian who ever lived named their teddy bear “Jesus” and I’m sure no Buddhist who ever lived named their teddy bear “Buddha.” Why, I’d be so offended, if someone named their teddy bear Jesus, I’d stop what I’m doing right now and go to their house and shoot them so full of holes, they’d be picking up pieces for days! Weeks! Years!

I’m being sarcastic of course, but I assume you know that. I’ve seen Cradle of Filth twice live and Dimmu Borgir once. I know they’re offensive, but their music is good. Had they said a tenth of the things about Islam that they say about Christianity, they’ll have more fatwas than the number of games the Detroit Lions choke (that’s a lot of fatwas).

I don’t know about you, but I’m embarrassed for my Muslim relatives and friends. I’m embarrassed the same way I was embarrassed by Mark Chmura’s (a Christian and a Green Bay Packer) dumb ass who refused to visit Bill Clinton because of moral reasons, then he proceeded to have a sexual affair with his underage babysitter.

In the sake of Islamic P.R., I call on moderate Muslims to break this woman out of jail and beat some of these whackjobs’ asses. This makes you look bad, really bad. I’m serious. Really, really bad. No other religion is this hypersensitive. No other religion is doing crap like this.

You’ve become the laughingstock of the 21st century. Don’t give me poverty as an excuse. There are Hindus that are a heck of a lot more poor than you, yet they don’t put people in jail for making fun of that dude with the elephant head or that chick with the six arms.

I am not against Islam. I will make that clear. I will also make clear that I will call someone an idiot when they’re being an idiot, and those people are being idiots. I will also make it clear that Islam needs some serious P.R. work, especially when crap like this makes international news.

Dang. I thought I was good at keeping a secret. Well, I don’t think it was me who let the Venezuelans know. Or maybe I had way too much rum when I was there and let them know what we’re up to. If so, sorry about that.

Hugo Chavez, the head of Venezuela, somehow found out that we were just about to invade Venezuela. Yes, right after we wrap things up in Afghanistan and Iraq, we were planning on invading Venezuela and taking their oil.

In Chavez’s visit to Iran, he met with Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (why can’t any of these guys have names that are easy to spell?) and told him “the U.S. empire is going down.” Yeah, we’re an empire all right. Look at all the territory we own outside our borders, like, um, well, I guess we’re protectorates in Puerto Rico and Guam. Wow. We’re an empire all right.

So Chavez fears we’ll attack him. He told Ahmadinejad that prices of oil will double when we attack them.

Then he went on to joke about getting atomic weapons of his own after Iran gets some. “As the imperialist press says, I came to look for an atomic bomb, and I’ve got it here. If anyone should cross me, I’ll fire it.”

Yeah, our press keeps saying over and over again all about your piss ant country building a nuke.  If that’s so, how come more than 90% of Americans couldn’t find Venezuela on a map?

He then went on to assure Ahmadinejad that their two nations are “united like a single fist,” when we attack either of them.

Look, Mr. Chavez. Hate to break it to you, but we simply don’t care to invade you. The only one who will be doing any invading is Bush, and that whole family is done. He’s a lame duck President now, with a popularity rating about equivalent to your I.Q. Yes, it’s that low. No Bush will ever be President again, and America has grown tired of war. Unless attacked, we won’t be invading anyone for a long time. Got it? And if the Democrats weren’t a bunch of pussies, we’d be out of Iraq and Bush would be impeached by now.

Sometimes I wonder if Hugo Chavez is compensating for something. Or maybe, with all those beautiful Venezuelan women (as the resident expert in beautiful women, believe me, Venezuela ranks pretty high), maybe Chavez can’t get it up around them. Someone please send the guy some Viagra and maybe he’ll shut up.  He’s ruining my beer buzz.

I hear politically correct people all the time brag about how they’re devoid of prejudice. Yeah, whatever. People like that think their doo doo doesn’t stink. In reality, if you removed the b.s., you’d have nothing but skin.

Has anyone ever bothered to look up the word prejudice in the dictionary? Any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.

Well, I’ll be d*mned. You mean, there are favorable prejudices? Why yes, there are. Here are a few of mine.

I love riding in a car with rednecks. No, they’re not necessarily better drivers, it’s just that if the car breaks down, it won’t be me under the hood trying to figure out what the heck happened.

If a black man invites you over for swine, catfish, or crawdads, cancel ANY previous plans you had.

Gay men are pretty freaking good at cutting hair.

Gay women know exactly what’s wrong with your dog.

If I were holding a job interview for a Unix Systems Administrator, and some guy (or gal) walked in with green hair, a Ramones t-shirt, and facial piercings, I’d immediately abandon the interview and give them the job.

If I was looking for an Accountant and saw one with a $2000 suit and driving a Benz, he’d lose the job to the guy with an $150 suit and a Honda Accord.

If I were single and found out a cute girl had a great relationship with her dad, I’d be sold.

My s*** is safe around Christians or Buddhists.

But I love hanging out with Pagan women, for they’re the most likely to show me their hoo hoos.

I’ve always been good friends with bass players, because they don’t have huge egos and are pretty controlled when practicing martial arts.

My Mexican friends always have beer in the fridge.

Filipinos always have tons of food.

So do Hawaiians.

You can always get some sports game going with the Irish.

Democrats get your pop culture references.

Republicans pay the rent on time and don’t trash your house.

When I’m playing football, I’d rather throw it to a black guy because he can catch a pass the way God intended me to throw.

If I’m playing doubles ping pong, I got dibs on that little shy Asian dude with the glasses who always smiles.

So, I’m taking Junior to football, and scribbled all over the playground with chalk are these “Just Say No” crap that they waste endless hours cramming down kids’ throats.  Say No To Drugs! Just Say No!

Meanwhile, the United States of America is one of two civilized nations that allow drug advertising on t.v.   I’d be watching a football game and I’ll see erectile dysfunction ads, toenail fungus ads, ads for allergies and depression, etc., but we’re wasting billions on taxpayer money telling kids to just say no.  What kind of double message does this send our kids? Whatever.

Maybe instead of wasting all this time and money on this crap, how about teaching kids where on the map the countries we’re at war with are located? Or how about teaching Johnny how to read? An amazing concept.