The Zombieslayer

There’s one in every group.  The “holier than thou, my kids can do no wrong and your kids are demons” mother.  You know her.  You’ve dealt with her.  You try to avoid her.

Unfortunately, those numbers add up because it’s such a large group.  And they vote.

What will they try to ban next? In the 80s, it was Heavy Metal, Dungeons and Dragons, and Rap music.  They even had a political voice - Tipper Gore.  Gore wanted to ban it all.  Heavy Metal was causing your children to kill themselves.  Rap was making kids have sex (because we all know teenagers NEVER thought about sex before Rap music was invented).  And Dungeons and Dragons, that was “a pathway to Satanism.”  The scary thing is, I’m not making this up.  She even wanted labeling for homosexuality.  I love how today’s Democrats try to slip that one under the rug.

In the 90s, it was guns.  Yes, the Million Mom March.  Ban guns.  Never mind that pesky little thing called the Constitution.  That was written by men with wigs.  If it can save just one child.  Of course, they were exposed making up statistics, but never mind facts when you can have emotion.

In the 00s? It may be a long shot, but I’m guessing the Nintendo Wii.

I’m waiting for it to happen.  A kid is playing his Wii, standing up and doing maneuvers, then slips and hits his head on the glass table and dies.

Never mind the fact that this particular mother never spent ANY time with that kid, fed him nothing but junk food while she told him to shut up and leave her alone because he was disturbing her reality tv show so that’s why she bought him the Wii in the first place.

Soon, you get the lawyers in.  Lawyers see dollar signs whenever an accident happens, no matter how bizarre or unlikely it is.  The lawyers contact the press.  The press makes mountains out of molehills.  Soon, another wife of a Senator makes it her pet cause and we get Congressional Hearings.  Another “Mothers Against” group forms, because there are always those mothers out there who think they’re not only smarter and more experienced than everyone else, they speak for ALL parents, and anyone who disagrees be damned.

Who cares about Freedom? Who cares about Individual Choice? Who cares about Fact? If it can save just one child…

So it goes again.  Nader and Barr with their enormous egos are trying to give the American people more than two choices.  I say that’s a load of bull.  They shouldn’t be allowed to run.  We shouldn’t get more than two choices for President.  In fact, we shouldn’t get two choices for anything.

You should drink either Bud or Coors Light.  None of this microbrew shit.  And I don’t even want to hear anything about Miller or foreign beer.  It’s Bud or Coors Light.  Those are your choices.  People who brew their own beer should be arrested and put in jail.

There should only be two religions - Lutheran and Sunni Muslim.  Anything else is un-American.  In fact, anyone else is an extremist and we all know that extremism leads to terrorism, right? Catholics? Extremists.  Baptists? Extremists.  Shi’ites? Extremists.  Hindus? Extremists.  Agnostics? Extremists.  Any questions? Good.  I’m tired of people thinking they want more than two choices.

You get two choices for cars too - Honda Accord, or Ford F-150.  Anyone who has anything other than those two cars, I seriously question their patriotism.

Two choices for sexual orientation.  You’re either straight, or you’re gay.  Bisexuality should NOT be tolerated.  You do one, or the other.  You do not do either.  You do not fool around.  You do not experiment.  You don’t write stupid songs like “I kissed a girl and I liked it.”  She started off straight, so she should end straight, and should have always remained straight.  Anyone who ever had a bisexual thought is probably a cop killer.

Two choices, folks.  Two.  Not three.  Not four.  Two.  Two is what you get.  It’s Obama, or McCain.  You’re either a Democrat, or a Republican.  No other choices.  You must decide one or the other.  Anyone who votes for someone else is an extremist.

Brazilian Supermodel Gisele Bundchen, the world’s highest paid model and sixteenth richest woman (according to Forbes), blames parents and not the fashion industry for eating disorders.

Huh? Is she saying that it’s the parents’ job to raise their children? That’s strange.  I was under the impression that parents are only supposed to breed them, then leave them, and let the government raise the children.

I don’t get it.  I’m really busy.  I work 40 hours a week, and when I get home, I don’t want to spend time with my kid.  Let the government and the schools work on his self-esteem.  I just want to watch t.v.

Geez.  The next thing you know, parents might even have to monitor the movies their kids watch and the music they listen to.  I’m too busy for that.  Let the government do that.  She’s telling us we need to be responsible for our gonads? Come on.  Let the taxpayers pick up the bill.

How could someone actually have the audacity to say a parent should parent their children? Doesn’t she know how busy we are? I bet she doesn’t even have children.  If she did, she’d think otherwise.

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I had this satire already written, but this morning I found out George Carlin passed on.  It’s a shame.  He will be missed.  My favorite comedians of all-time in order are Dave Chappelle, Eddie Murphy, Bill Hicks, George Carlin,  Sam Kineson, Bill Cosby, and Rodney Dangerfield.  It sucks only three of them are still alive.  My condolences go out to his loved ones.  Carlin has made me laugh many, many times.

So, Kathleen, you want me to predict the future? You’re on.

I’m a fortune-teller.  You just handed me $25 and I’m telling you your future.

“I see a change.”

Well, of course there’s a change because everyone’s life changes.

“Someone you care about will be really sick.”

One strategy of going about it.  You rope them in with this one.  The thing is, the older the person is, the more likely this is to be true.  My Grandfather died recently, I lost one co-worker to cancer a few months ago, and personally know several folks who recently went through Chemo.  The older you get, the more people you know who are in bad health.

“Now is not the time to look for a new job.”

Well, no shit, Sherlock.  It doesn’t take a fortune-teller to tell you that the economy sucks right now.  When the economy picks up, you tell them that they’ll have opportunities, but it’s their job to cease the day or else they won’t get that chance again.  Either way, the fortune-teller wins.  If they fall flat on their face, the blame goes on the customer, not the fortune-teller.  And if they get that job, well, that fortune-teller was damn good.

“Oooo, I see trouble in your relationship.  Tough times ahead.  It may or may not work itself out.”

Hook, line, and sinker.  Keep it open ended.  All relationships have problems.  This is as vague as it gets, but no matter which way it goes, the fortune-teller is right.

I could go on and on telling your fortune, but I didn’t want to do this post.  The post I really wanted to do, was this one…

Zombiesladamus predicts the world’s future

Picking individual people is too easy.  Predicting world events is so much more fun.  All those great prophesiers, sages, wizards, or whatever, it’s all a load of bull.  You simply take history and let it repeat.  It’s so easy.  And the more vague you are, the more chance you are to be right.  Keep it open to interpretation, and never put a time stamp on it.

Most of the stuff I predict though will happen within the next 500 years.  And people 500 years from now can look back at this post and say the Great Zombiesladamus knew the future.

There will be a Great War in the Middle East.

This one tops the “no shit, Sherlock” list.  There will always be fighting in the Middle East.  Those people will fight over anything.  I’m just surprised they haven’t had a war over Coke vs Pepsi yet.  That’s probably coming though.

I see people dying in floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes.

I hear this crap from Bible prophets who want your money who say the end is coming because this all is happening.  You know what? There will always be floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes.  There have been natural disasters since history began and there will always be natural disasters.  It does not mean the end of the world.  Hate to burst your bubble.

A good man will die by the hands of an evil man.

Heh.  This one’s too easy.  How many times did it happen last century?

The tiger and the eagle will become one.

What does this mean? Well, it could mean anything.  Whatever it means, guarantee it happens within 500 years from now.

But the cobra will STRIKE the bear.

Got to use a little emphasis.  It looks cool.  If this one doesn’t happen, no one will mention it.  When you prophesize, they only mention the ones you got right.

Water.  Water, nowhere to be seen.

You think this current oil war sucks, just wait until certain countries run out of groundwater.  Will happen in your children’s’ life times.

The knot must be tied or else there will be no peace.

Huh? Whatever that means.  Funny thing is someone will interpret it to mean something.  Just watch.

They will mourn for her death for years and years to come.

There will always be a charismatic woman that everyone can’t help loving.  Evita Peron, Mother Teresa, Princess Di, Condoleeza Rice.  Just kidding about that last one.

And even the greatest of wealths meant nothing to the one in red.

Once again, keep it vague.  It will mean something sometime in the future.

Her voice, that angelic voice, won over the hearts of those at war and gave us peace.

Ok.  May or may not happen, but so far, I’ve had so many guarantees that if this happens, I’ll give Nostradamus a good run for his money.

And he failed to heed the oracle and paid deeply.

Some loonie toon out there will warn someone not to do something and that person will still do it and die.  Happens all the time.  But this time, it will be a big world leader.  Maybe someone will tell him not to get on a plane and he does and it crashes.  Or they’ll tell some President not to make a speech but she doesn’t listen and gets assassinated.  Whatever the case, it will happen, because it’s happened many times before and I have 500 years to be right.

Well, there you go.  Add your own if you want.  Just remember, the more vague, the more chance you are to be right.  Plus, it helps to know both history and current events.  Humans are predictable.  They tend to do the same stupid stuff over and over again.  Knowing that, you too can predict the future.

Shame on Brigitte Bardot.  Looks like she will get arrested for telling how she feels about Islam.  You all know that’s not politically correct.

Islam is the most peaceful religion, EVER! It is after all, the religion of peace.

They’re such nice people.  They let women wear neat clothes and do wonderful things with bombs.

We should embrace them all and let them all come here, and even enforce their laws instead of our own.  That would be cool.

So shame on Brigitte Bardot.  She should be silenced and powerless and if she was only forced to wear a burka like all women should, she’d know why Islam is the best religion in the world (and only religion that should be allowed - kill all the infidels).