The Zombieslayer

Alright, so I actually watched part of the opening ceremonies to the Olympics. Nicely done Canada. And Canadians, you’re beautiful. No wonder you’re so much happier than us Americans (who are stressed out like you cannot believe).

Now, this isn’t a knock on you, but a knock on the Olympic Committee. Dear Olympic Committee, you all are a bunch of wussies. Yes, you heard it right.

WTF is up with calling Taiwan “Chinese Taipei?” Afraid to offend the Chinese? Well, screw the Chinese. Taiwan = Taiwan. In Taiwan, there were a people called the Taiwanese who were there before you had that civil war between the Nationalists and the Communists. Yes, most people don’t know that, but it’s true. I love how China conveniently likes to forget the existence of peoples. Kind of like Tibetians.

So if someone calls a Taiwanese person Chinese and gets slapped upside the head, don’t be surprised. They hate being called that. As they should.

If someone comes up to you and tells you they watch the Super Bowl only for the commercials, feel free to smack them upside the head. Then tell them to get a fucking life. Seriously. How pathetic is someone to watch anything for commercials?

I wish I had a few million bucks to sponsor a study to show you that it’s not necessarily television that is evil. It’s commercials.

Commercials play to your insecurities. You’re too fat. You’re too thin. You’re not rich enough. You’re not pretty enough. You’re balding. Nobody likes you. Now, if you buy our product, you’ll be prettier. You’ll have better self-esteem. People will like you. You’ll lose weight. You’ll gain weight. Et cetera.

Over time, hearing all this bullshit over and over and you will become more insecure.

My study will show that the more commercials someone watches, the more insecure they will become.

So if someone really wants to watch commercials, instead just tell them they stink, they’re too fat, they’re too thin, nobody likes them, everyone else thinks they’re poor, they’re bald, and their feet are ugly. Oh, and buy your product or else people won’t like them.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, Drew Brees is better than Peyton Manning. There. I said it. Five years from now, people will agree with me. Right now, people won’t. Time will prove me right. Back to the Olympics, the Ukrainian team came up and my real estate agent, who’s traveled a heck of a lot more than I have, turns to me and tells me he thinks Ukrainian women are the best looking in the world. Before I say if I agree or disagree, I’d have to give that some thought. I don’t really have a favorite but if I made a test tube woman, I’d probably take the butt of a Brazilian, the smile of a Thai, the kindness of a Canadian, the brains of a Dutch or German, the energy of a Samoan, the ingenuity of a Japanese person, and the hair of an Irish red-head. And she’d be able to dance like Paula Abdul. Alright, this post is becoming silly. I’ll leave you with this Founding Father quote:”If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or your arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”

-Sam Adams

Yeah yeah yeah. I know. I’m not supposed to get emotionally attached to sports. Following sports really is stupid as people get passionate about things they can’t control.

Well, I say screw it. I’m entitled to my flaws.

Last Summer, we spent a week in Vegas and while there I couldn’t help putting some money on my beloved Green Bay Packers. Why the Packers? Because they’re my favorite team. Emotions aside, I also put money on the Vikings to win the Super Bowl as I had inside information that Brett Favre was going to join them. No, I will not disclose my source.

So the Playoffs come around and the Packers get eliminated right away. It’s too bad as they were 25-1 odds and had they won, I would have had enough to take Mrs. Z on a European vacation. There goes a 2010 European trip.

So I’m stuck rooting for the Vikings with 8-1 odds. Not enough for the European trip but it would have paid for an Alaskan cruise. Kind of weird for a die-hard Packers fan rooting for the Vikings, but they got my favorite player now in Brett Favre.

I’m watching the game and Favre and the Vikings immediately drive down and get a 7-0 lead. I’m thinking they got this one. Before long it’s 14-7. Then the problems begin. Vikings fumble. Favre throws an interception. Vikings fumble. And fumble again. And again. And again. The offensive line looks like swiss cheese as Favre takes one hit after another with two hits hard enough that they almost knocked him out of the game. Ouch!

With all these miscues, they manage to keep the game at 28-28 and get in the position for a long field goal. So what do they do? Choke. They’re the Vikings. That’s what they’re good at.

While in field goal range, they get a five yard penalty which puts them out of field goal range. So that means Favre has to throw. He rolls right and does the one thing you’re absolutely not supposed to do - throw it across the field. Heck, I knew that from playing in high school. You don’t see things when you do that so you simply don’t do that. Ironically, he had enough room to run for about 10 yards so that would have put the Vikings back in field goal position.

Needless to say, the pass gets picked off. The game goes into overtime.

Five fumbles, two interceptions, and the game is tied at 28-28. Visiting team gets the coin toss. Some stupid Viking picks heads. Idiot! What’s the one thing you learn as a child about coin tosses? Tails never _____. (If you can’t finish that sentence, you probably never were a child).

He picks heads. Of course it comes up tails.

The Saints march down the field and some rookie kicker kicks the most beautiful forty yard field goal I’ve ever seen.

Choke. So much for the Alaskan cruise.

–

Yeah yeah yeah.  There was a lesson there.  That still doesn’t mean I won’t do the same thing.  We’re probably going to hit Vegas again and while there, I’ll put money on the Packers and one other team to win the Super Bowl.  Not sure what that team is yet.

As for Favre, he’s got to come back.  He can’t end his career on this note.  That would be like if Judas Priest broke up after releasing Turbo.

Anyone remember two football players named Jim Brown and Franco Harris? Yes, this was years ago, but if you’ve followed football for awhile, Jim Brown used to have the rushing title and some fans thought it will never be broken.

Well, Franco Harris comes along and gets really close.  Jim Brown goes in front of the TV camera and announces that if Harris breaks his record, Brown will make a comeback, despite being in his 40s (which pretty much never happens as a Running Back).

A bit more recently, there was Dan Marino, one of the greatest NFL players never to wear a Super Bowl ring (in the Super Bowl era).  Marino had almost every record in the books - most TDs,  most Yards, most Attempts, most Completions.  That is, until Brett Favre came along and broke all of them.

Before Favre broke them, Marino joked to the TV camera to at least let him keep one record as you (Brett Favre) at least have a Super Bowl ring.  The thing is, was he really joking? I didn’t think so either.

Sports players generally like their records.  With the exception of Wallie Payton who had the rushing title at one point, but he cared more about his team winning the big one.  That was the type of person Wallie was though, a man who while dying of liver disease got a possible transplant and rejected it because he felt he only got the liver because he was a famous and loved celebrity.  He died shortly after that.

Brett Favre says he doesn’t care about those records.  I call BS.  And I’ll tell you the four records he cares about most - longest starting streak for a QB, which he’ll probably die having, most TDs, most Yards, and most Wins.

Let’s now look at reality.  There’s this guy named Peyton Manning who throws the football pretty dang well.  Unlike Favre, Manning had the luxury of playing for the same team his entire career, playing in back of a solid Offensive Line his entire career, and up until recently, having a Hall of Famer (possibly the best possession Wide Receiver to EVER play the game) as his primary receiver.

So Manning has numbers.  Big ones.  In fact, numbers so big that they threaten Favre’s records.

So Favre had to come back.  The longer he plays, the more he pads those magical numbers.  Manning has 117 wins.  Favre has 169.  One more year and Manning collapses before eclipsing that record.

Favre threw 464 TDs.  Manning 333.  The thing is, Manning throws a lot of TDs every year and at this rate, Manning would break that record in five years.  One more year, Manning may break his back first.

Favre threw for 65127 yards.  Manning 45628.  Keep in mind Manning is seven years younger than Favre.  Favre may have to play two more years to keep this one out of reach.

As for consecutive starts, nobody will break that one in Favre’s lifetime.  That’s one of four.

Two more years, and nobody breaks the other three.

–

I knew all along Favre was coming back to the Vikings. I said it in early July, and put my money where my mouth is. I put money on both the Packers and the Vikings to win the Super Bowl. The Packers because they’re my favorite team, the Vikings because they’ve completed the puzzle.  Even when Favre said he was not going to come out of retirement, I knew he was.  Those records are in the back of his mind, and he’s not getting any younger.  I had no doubt my money was safe.

No, Brett Favre is no longer an elite QB. However, he’s a HUGE upgrade over what they had. The Vikings have the best player in the NFL today with Adrian Peterson, plus a dominant Defensive Line. Opposing teams simply load the box against the Vikings and do everything they can to stop Adrian Peterson because they know the Vikings’ QBs are jokes. Now that Favre is on the team, they stick 8 men in the box and Favre will burn them, especially with Berrian who’s a speedster.

Image from http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:BrettFavre.jpg

I got back early this week, but had so much crap to do.  Now looking for work.  The company I was working at got bought out and the entire team got laid off.  This has all happened before so it’s nothing new to me.  I can’t complain as we got a good severance package and I’m set for awhile at least.  I just don’t want to burn through my excess cash because that excess cash will be taking Mrs. Z on our next vacation.

While in Vegas, I won $2.60 in the slots.  Yes, that’s the extent of my gambling.  I play pennies or nickels just long enough to get the cocktail waitress to get me a free drink or two (always tip them well so they’ll come back fast, and be super polite with them.  That’s my tip to you).

As soon as I’m up, I pull out.  I don’t really gamble.  Well, I take that back.  Yes I do.  I gamble on sports.

Brett Favre will be on the Vikings, and he will kick ass if Childress realizes he has to limit Favre’s throws.   The Vikings have a better than average defense and the best player in the NFL in Adrian Peterson.  To win the Super Bowl, the Vikings need to be a run first, ball control, clock eating team and Favre needs to complete passes and move the chains.  Do that, and the Vikings have as good a shot as anyone.  I put money on them to win it all with 8-1 odds.

The Packers on the other hand need to be more aggressive offensively and need that 3-4 defense to work.  If not, it will be another long season.  I put money on my beloved Packers to win it all with 20-1 odds.

If either team wins the Super Bowl, Mrs. Z gets to go on the cruise of her choice.  So yes, I admit, I do gamble.

With me though, I’m not about the money.  I don’t care about losing a few bucks in the slots because I use the slots for the drinks so I could hit Vegas with a nice buzz.  I actually like Vegas.  It’s tacky and superficial but so what? I can’t be pretentious all the time.

My next vacation though will probably be hitting more states.  I’m at 27 now and got 23 more to go.  I’ve been to a lot of countries, but for me, the bigger priority right now is finishing up my own.  America still is beautiful, but each year it is getting more crowded and with the economy in the slumps, you’d notice a lot more garbage and a lot more taggings everywhere, which is really sad.

Anyways, I’m back.  I got to look for work but between errands and job searching, when I get some breaks, I’ll drop by your blogs.  Hope all is well.

Your thoughts?

I’d love to hear them.

I personally think yes.  I watched only one night.  Several of us went over to a friend’s house and watched women’s gymnastics and men’s swimming.  Well, you can’t cheat in swimming because it’s obvious who wins.  However, gymnastics, I saw some pretty low scores for the Americans and the Romanians while high, undeserved scores for the Chinese.  I heard it was all Olympics long, but I only watched one night.

What was interesting was hearing Nadia Comaneci’s old coach trying not to use the c-word.  You could tell it was paining him not to say it.  Those scores just didn’t seem right, was about as far as he went.