The Zombieslayer

It’s a sad day for the Green Bay Packers and the NFL.  The NFL lost the best QB of the post-Niner domination era, and both the most exciting QB and the toughest to ever play the game.

Several people I know are going to call in sick.  I’m not going to.  I’m not going to sit around the house and sulk.  I got a lot of work to do at work and doing work will help me keep my mind off of it, but I’ll be avoiding people all day.

It won’t be easy for me to deal with this.  Funny thing is I’ve had some bad breakups, but this is worse.  I was convinced that he’d come back and I was saving up for a trip to Green Bay this year.

I decided instead to use that money for musical equipment.  I want to get a recording done while I’m still relatively young.

As for the Packers, I’m hoping the Cal kid Aaron Rodgers can pull it off.  As for Favre, I hope he enjoys his retirement, but I have a feeling he’ll be itching to play and might come back for another team in ‘09.  I sincerely hope he does, and that team will be instantly my 2nd favorite team.

You’ve heard this story a million times. Same story, different place and time. Now, it’s Florida - over 50 cars pile up, and four people are dead. Why? Because drivers are stupid.

It was foggy. Well, when it’s foggy, don’t drive faster than you can see, and keep a safe distance between you and the next car. Common sense, right? That’s the thing, common sense goes out the window once people get behind the wheel.

I’ve seen these wrecks many times. I’ve seen the burned cars, the dead, broken bodies, and all the other junk associated with massive wrecks. People are too impatient to slow down and keep a safe distance, and all the cars end up crashing into each other.

The big problem we have in this country is we allow just about any jackass to get a license. This morning, some dumb woman with a suburban assault vehicle took a simple three point turn into a nine point turn. No exaggeration. The rest of us in the parking lot had to sit there and wait for her dumb ass to keep backing up, going forward, backing up, going forward…

She was driving a big, black Mountaineer, a vehicle she really needs for driving over those GIGANTIC mountains you’ll find in the suburbs.

If I’m going to die before the age of 90, it won’t be of cancer or heart disease.  It will be because some dumb ass isn’t paying attention to the road and/or driving conditions.  I already know it.

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In other news, the Packers host the Giants in the NFC Championship game.  The Packers toyed with the Seahawks this weekend, giving them two quick touchdowns in less than five minutes, before scoring six touchdowns without punting or turning the ball over once.

Exciting time to be a Packers fan.  I had the stomach flu yesterday and threw up twice before watching the game on my buddy’s giant T.V.  Note to anyone who will get the stomach flu - always keep Ginger Ale on hand.  It was the only thing I was able to hold down yesterday, and made what would have been a horrible day tolerable.

This is a post for Football fans. If you don’t know by now, I’m a big time Green Bay Packers fan. The Packers recently had a questionable off-season, and the Packer boards were full of anger and hate. So I had to write something more cheerful. Even if you don’t follow football, you might still be able to appreciate the humor.

Folks,
Good news. I won’t get your hopes up and tell you that we’ll go far in the Playoffs this year, but we will win the division in ‘07.

The Bears are da Bears. Come on, the only use the Bears have is for Saturday Night Live comedy skits. With Lance Briggs as good as gone, they’re done. Lovie Smith scored a 6 on the Wonderlic test, and proof of that is he hasn’t taken Rex Grossman ice fishing and had a little “accident.” My Grandma hasn’t had a snap in the NFL since the late 40s, and she can still throw better than Rex Grossman.

Some of you hate the Vikings. I could never hate the Vikings. Sure, the Vikings beat us once in the playoffs, but they were putting us out of our misery. Believe me, that year, the next team to play us would have humiliated us something terrible, much, much worse than showing up to work and realizing you’re completely nekkid.

On paper, the Vikings look good. But that’s what everyone says EVERY year. Folks, games aren’t played on paper. They’re played on something called “a football field.” On the football field, on any given Sunday, anything can happen. But as long as any of us shall live, one thing is certain. Whenever something is important, the Vikings will CHOKE. It’s part of their genetic make-up.

When the zombie plague starts, Viking fans will just let the zombies come for them and not even bother to fight back. Their reality is just that hard. You won’t understand, because you’re a Packer fan. The good folks with gray pubic hair and Social Security on this board watched the Packers earn 3 Lombardi Trophies. The Vikings have zero, even though they’ve also had four tries to get at least one.

And of course the Lions will always be the Lions. NO MATTER HOW BAD we are in a year, we can always count on two wins from the Lions. I love the Lions. I regularly give hugs to people in Lions jerseys. They understand and cry in my arms. They need the love, because they don’t get it from Matt Millen, nor did they ever get it from anyone before Matt Millen. I hug Barry Sanders regularly, and he appreciates it. He never got any love either. Poor guy. He was devastated when we passed him up for Tony, well, I won’t say his last name because I don’t want to get anyone here upset.

So relax, fellow Packer aficionados. We won’t go much past 9-7 this year, but at least we’ll be back on top in the NFC North where we belong. And don’t be so mean to Vikings and Lions fans. I hate seeing grown men cry.