The Zombieslayer

I call things as I see them.  Often times, it offends people.

I tell people that you can’t fix an alcoholic.  That alone has lost me more than one friend.  I’m not kidding.

The whole train thing may have made me sound like a jerk.  So be it.  If you see a train track and you cross it without seeing if a train is coming, you don’t deserve to live.  Plain and simple.

Don’t over-invest in company stock.  I knew this before Enron.

People on steroids have much higher pain tolerances than people not on steroids.  I’m glad I learned this with headgear and a mouthpiece instead of on the street or else it would have been really ugly (on my end).

There are things that you simply won’t be good at no matter how much effort you make.  We’re all bad at something.  The sooner you realize that, the less time you waste.

You can’t be anything you want to be.  People who say this are not being realistic.  However, you do have natural talents.  Pick your favorite and get really good at it.  If you have two favorites, get good at both of them.

Money doesn’t necessarily buy you happiness.  But being broke will stress you out.

Capitalism isn’t fair.  However, it’s still better than the alternative.  Socialism punishes the thrifty, the focused, the creative, and the hard-working while rewarding the lazy and the people with chronic bad luck.

Some folks do have bad luck.  I feel bad for them.  Seriously, I do.  However, I don’t feel bad for people who do the same stupid shit over and over again.  Big difference.

America needs to treat her veterans better.  Heck, America needs to treat her own citizens better.  This country needs more freedom, not less.

This world already is overpopulated.  Just wait until we get into the resource wars.  The oil wars have already started.  The water wars will come in our lifetime.  And don’t tell me that we have plenty of resources and we just need to redistribute them better.  I already told you how much I hated communism.  What’s mine is mine.  It’s not yours.  And it especially doesn’t belong to someone on the other side of the world I’ll never even meet.  It’s mine.  Sound like a two-year old? Well, sometimes toddlers are wiser than adults.  Maybe when I’m done with it, I’ll let you play with it but for now it’s mine.

Speaking of oil, this is still going on.  Picture from NASA.

And speaking of stupid, if you’re this close to the field, ever think it may be a good idea to pay attention to the game? I hope this hurt. (It’s only 32 seconds long and if you got a sick sense of humor like I do, you might laugh).

Alright, so I actually watched part of the opening ceremonies to the Olympics. Nicely done Canada. And Canadians, you’re beautiful. No wonder you’re so much happier than us Americans (who are stressed out like you cannot believe).

Now, this isn’t a knock on you, but a knock on the Olympic Committee. Dear Olympic Committee, you all are a bunch of wussies. Yes, you heard it right.

WTF is up with calling Taiwan “Chinese Taipei?” Afraid to offend the Chinese? Well, screw the Chinese. Taiwan = Taiwan. In Taiwan, there were a people called the Taiwanese who were there before you had that civil war between the Nationalists and the Communists. Yes, most people don’t know that, but it’s true. I love how China conveniently likes to forget the existence of peoples. Kind of like Tibetians.

So if someone calls a Taiwanese person Chinese and gets slapped upside the head, don’t be surprised. They hate being called that. As they should.

If someone comes up to you and tells you they watch the Super Bowl only for the commercials, feel free to smack them upside the head. Then tell them to get a fucking life. Seriously. How pathetic is someone to watch anything for commercials?

I wish I had a few million bucks to sponsor a study to show you that it’s not necessarily television that is evil. It’s commercials.

Commercials play to your insecurities. You’re too fat. You’re too thin. You’re not rich enough. You’re not pretty enough. You’re balding. Nobody likes you. Now, if you buy our product, you’ll be prettier. You’ll have better self-esteem. People will like you. You’ll lose weight. You’ll gain weight. Et cetera.

Over time, hearing all this bullshit over and over and you will become more insecure.

My study will show that the more commercials someone watches, the more insecure they will become.

So if someone really wants to watch commercials, instead just tell them they stink, they’re too fat, they’re too thin, nobody likes them, everyone else thinks they’re poor, they’re bald, and their feet are ugly. Oh, and buy your product or else people won’t like them.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, Drew Brees is better than Peyton Manning. There. I said it. Five years from now, people will agree with me. Right now, people won’t. Time will prove me right. Back to the Olympics, the Ukrainian team came up and my real estate agent, who’s traveled a heck of a lot more than I have, turns to me and tells me he thinks Ukrainian women are the best looking in the world. Before I say if I agree or disagree, I’d have to give that some thought. I don’t really have a favorite but if I made a test tube woman, I’d probably take the butt of a Brazilian, the smile of a Thai, the kindness of a Canadian, the brains of a Dutch or German, the energy of a Samoan, the ingenuity of a Japanese person, and the hair of an Irish red-head. And she’d be able to dance like Paula Abdul. Alright, this post is becoming silly. I’ll leave you with this Founding Father quote:”If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or your arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”

-Sam Adams

A lot of folks have a misconception of what a strong man is.  They think he’s a champion brawler.  How utterly childish.

No.  I’ll tell you what a strong man is.  A strong man, no matter how bad things gets, keeps his cool and his strength helps keep communities together.  A strong man will survive the earthquake, the flood, and the zombie plague.

A strong man loves his spouse and doesn’t cheat on her.

A strong man is kind, honest, and fair.

Also, no matter how bad things get, a strong man does not compromise his integrity, nor  his principles.

A strong man has no need to kiss ass to those above him, nor step on those below him.  He has no need to impress anyone but himself.

A strong man is responsible.  He is responsible for his words and for his actions.  A strong man can take care of himself in just about any situation.

You will see the strong man at the funeral keeping everyone else from falling apart.

A strong man’s smile is real.  So are his handshakes, and his hugs.  So is his love.

A strong man keeps going, until the end.

Ever notice that the ones who proclaim the loudest how open-minded they are are also the ones who can’t stand it when people disagree with them?

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I don’t like Jazz.  I’ve always seen Jazz as a group masturbation session.  Each person takes their turn to masturbate.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I think Jazz musicians are amongst the top in pretty much every category.  But there’s this thing called “melody” which I’ve always thought is more important than musicianship.

That said, I hate top-4o for the opposite reason.  Top-40 has no musicianship.  It’s just the singer.  If it’s a female singer, she’s singing about her boyfriend.  If it’s a male singer, he’s singing about himself.  No depth.  Whatsoever.

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So British snobbery has come back to bite them on the ass.  Well, at least when it comes to film.  The latest James Bond movie was hands down the worst James Bond movie ever made.  What’s worse, the latest Harry Potter film was just bad.  David Yates sucks and should be unemployed eating soup with other unemployed people.  Where he shouldn’t be is behind a camera.

That’s the problem with the British.  They’re snobs.  If you’re British and you’re reading this, come on.  Admit it.  I admit that us Americans make annoying tourists.  You can admit you’re a bunch of snobs.

So, why does this matter? The British absolutely positively have to have a British director directing Harry Potter films even though hands down the best Harry Potter film was directed by a Mexican.  It’s not only the best of the series, but the only one in the series that’s worthy of being studied in a film class.

So we’re stuck with David Yates.  That means, no Harry Potter 7.  I refuse to see them, as he’s had two chances already and got big FAILS for each one.

If I were running the franchise, I’d do one of the following:

1) Get Alfonso Cuaron back (the director of HP3),

2) Get the American guy who did Milk.  Now, that was a well-directed movie.

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OK, dumb idea telling you to buy the DOW at 12k.  However, smart idea telling you to buy Ford at $1.77.  I did, and sold most of it at $6.  I don’t have much left though but holding those shares long term as Fords are cool.  Did you know the “foam” cushions inside the seats are made of soy? How cool is that? Or that Ford has the largest green roof in the entire world?

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So you want to know what I’m looking forward to? Well, Spike Jonze doing my favorite kid’s book of all-time.  Can’t wait to see this.  I’ll write a full review October 17th.

So, March 23rd, 2009 started off for me witnessing a car crash.  On the way to work, one stupid commuter thought she was invincible and everyone else was in her way to get to work (yet another person who can’t manage her time but it’s everyone else’s fault she’s late).

So what does she do? Rear ends the car in front of her.  Great.  Now not only is she going to be late for work fo shizzle, she also made someone else late to work as well.

People in cars too often think they’re invincible, inside their stupid steel boxes.  Cars every year kill 40k+ Americans, pollute the world, and if you believe Al Gore, are going to be the death of us all, yet it’s always gunowners who yuppies protest against.  Go figure.

So at work, we were talking about President Obama. Why I get suckered into political discussions at work, I don’t know. I try to avoid them. Someone always gets butt hurt.

Anyways, someone mentioned that everyone’s criticizing what Obama’s doing but nobody’s got a solution to get this economy jumpstarted. Then one co-worker blurted out “legalize pot.”

I actually agree with her. Legalize marijuana outright. None of this medical marijuana crap, legalize it to everyone over 17 with an ID and tax it. Imagine the tax revenue. Imagine how much less crime we’d have. Imagine how much more mellow some of the assholes on the morning commute would be.

OK, that last one, I’m joking. Don’t drive on pot. The thing is, you don’t even need to say that. Stoners know when they can’t drive. Drunks don’t. Drunks kill people.

Then one guy blurted out how anti-pot he is because his stupid cousin is proof that marijuana is bad for you. He’s addicted to pot. Turns out, his pot addiction is the LEAST of his problems, as you probably already guessed. People who are addicted to pot have more serious issues.

No, I am not suggesting everyone go out and smoke pot. I’m just saying legalize it because 70 million Americans each year smoke it, yet the US Government is getting ZERO tax revenue from it (besides sales tax for Doritos). Would be a step in the right direction at least to get this economy jumpstarted.

Back to Obama, he needs to pray for a nanotechnology revolution or biotech. He’ll need those industries to take off to get us out of this recession. This Keynesian crap isn’t going to work. It’s just going to devalue our dollar in the long run.

Speaking of devaluation, buy handguns for every adult in your family. And if you’re having problems getting to work on time, I got a revolutionary new idea that no one has ever thought of before - leave on time.