The Zombieslayer

Well, it has begun.  Luckily, this was in Texas where everyone and their Grandma owns at least a dozen guns so I’m sure it was contained fast.

Don’t believe the media spin on this though.  They’re saying it was “hackers” who hacked the sign.  Yeah, right.  They don’t want to start a panic, especially with the Dow falling under 8k and unemployment at records not seen in decades.  We don’t need yet another stock market crash.

Buy more ammo, folks.  And water, drinkable water.  I keep telling people this and they think water will be easy to come by.  It won’t be when the zombie panic starts.  Trust me.  I’ve had parasites before from drinking bad water and it sucks.  You lose weight and for a week, you’re afraid to be more than 20 feet from a toilet.

Fellow Pretentious Critic writer Badman and I have one of the same pet peeves.  We both hate it when someone says they like all kinds of music.

NO YOU DON’T.   You do not like all kinds of music.  Nobody does.  No one who ever lived likes all kinds of music.

People who say this are either:

a) Lazy nimrods,

b) Too chickenshit too offend anyone so they try to appease everyone by saying they like all kinds of music,

c) or both a and b.

I know what I like.  I like Metal, except I absolutely loathe NuMetal or any other of that whiny shite that they try to pass off as Metal.  I also don’t like Grindcore or any other type of noise metal with no purpose.

I also like the Romantic Era of Classical Music.  Baroque and everything before and everything after I could do without.  Yes, that means Bach, Mozart, and Vivaldi, three favorites of a lot of people.  I can’t stand any of them.

If you want to listen to great Classical, pick up Tchaikovsky, Brahms, or Beethoven.  There are a lot more Classical composers from the Romantic Era I like, but those are my three favorites.

I also hate rap, country, smooth jazz, top 40, boy bands, the Eagles, the Beatles, Aerosmith, Dave Matthews, Boston, Nirvana, Oasis, Jessica Simpson, her even more untalented sister (didn’t think that was possible at first), James Blunt, Fergie, or any other of that American Idol raw sewage they try to force feed down our throats.

Narrow minded? Damn straight.  I know what I like.  If your tastes differ, GREAT.  More power to you.  I don’t want you and I to have the same taste.  It’s our differences that make us interesting.  If you’re just like me, that would bore the heck out of me.

The thing is, I can enjoy other types of music if they’re done right.  Goth, Celtic, Bluegrass, old school Americana, even live jazz I can enjoy if the musicians are really into what they’re doing.  I’ve been known to go to dance clubs too, chilling to anything from Industrial to Techno to House, if you have the right people to go with.  I don’t really dance, just enjoy a good cocktail, people watch, and hang.

But back to my main point - NOBODY likes all kinds of music.  If anyone makes that claim that they like all types of music, immediately respond with the following:

They are to name five solo artists or bands they like in each category.  If they fail, denounce them as liars and forbid them from your anti-zombie compound.  Yes, the punishment is death by zombies.

01) Black Metal.  They say they like all types of music.  Let’s see them name five Black Metal bands they like.

02) Country.  Let’s go the other extreme.  Name five country bands they like.

03) Nazi Punk.  Yes.  They said all types of music.  I personally hate Nazis, but know there are at least one hundred Nazi Punk bands in the world so make ‘em give you five Nazi Punk bands.

Now you see I already exposed them as liars, but let’s keep this going just to rub it in.

04) Christian Gospel.  Let’s go another extreme.  We have Black Metal which is often Satanic.  Not only are many Black Metal bands Satanic, some have been known to burn churches and have even spent time in jail for murder.  Now on the opposite end of the spectrum, we have Christian Gospel.  Five Christian Gospel bands they like.  That’s all they have to name.  Should be easy for these uber-open-minded fools.

05)  Hellbilly.  Here’s another extreme.  No, not just plain Cowpunk, but Hellbilly.  It’s a little bit more, well, a lot more hardcore than just Cowpunk.  Five bands.  I’m waiting.

06) Gangsta Rap - Where Hellbilly may be a reaction against pretentious city buttholes, let’s twist it entirely around and go inner city, deep in the inner cities, straight up Compton.  Even better if at least one band member spent time in the pokie.  Five Gangsta Rap artists.  Make them name their favorite five (preferably while staring down the barrel of your Glock 9mm, held gangsta-style).

07) Polka - Get the beer flowing, the lederhosen on, and whip out the old accordion.  They’re so freaking open minded.  Make ‘em give you their top five polka acts.  No, make ‘em put away their laptop.  No cheating.  If they fail to give you five, stick das boot as far up their open minded ass as it will go.

08) Straight Edge Punk - That’s right, folks.  Since you cannot possibly listen to Polka sober, you cannot possibly listen to Straight Edge Punk drunk, because Straight Edge is against drinking.  But no fair, they say? No, they screwed up.  They’re the one who said they like all kinds of music.  Polka and Straight Edge cancel each other out.  So what is it? Do they like Polka or do they like Straight Edge Punk? One cannot possibly like both. My trump card.  They lose.  So much for them being open minded.

09) Disco - Heh.  Just had to throw that in there.  I’ve already proved my point, so now just putting up a #9 and #10.  “Macho Macho Ma-han.  I wanna be a Macho Man.”  Open minded my macho ass.

10) Smooth Jazz.  I hate smooth jazz.  My version of Hell would be nothing but The View and American Idol on the idiot box with smooth jazz playing constantly everywhere you go.

So that’s the quiz.  Give them a chance to repent and admit they’re wrong.  If they don’t repent, deny them entry into your compound.  When the zombies come, they’ll need some fools to feed on.  In the meantime, blast your boombox to your favorite jams to drown out their screaming.  Gloria Gaynor? Excellent choice.  I’ll sing along with you for old times sake.

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore
weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I’d crumble
you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive

–

Have a great weekend, everyone.  I’m going to be gone all weekend but I’ll try to swing by next week.  Until then, keep practicing your headshots to the beat of YOUR favorite drummer.

Ok.  I read women’s fashions magazines.  No, I’m not gay (not that there’s anything wrong with it), but I think some of the models are hot, especially the ones for Bebe, Guess, and a few others, names escape me right now but I’ll think of them.

Some of the girls at work have them laying around and while I got some automated crap going on, I get up and walk around the building and talk to the girls and read their fashion mags.  It’s just something I do.

I am getting sick of seeing the Beckhams.  I can’t stand David or Posh Spice.  They annoy the hell out of me.  Why? I don’t know.  I don’t care.  It’s maybe because I see them too much and they look like both of them need a real good poo poo.  Posh Spice is a talentless ass clown, almost as bad as Michael Bolton, and David, well, he looks like a zombie already.  The only thing worse than an annoying celebrity is an annoying celebrity couple.

So, from the other blog, I’m bringing something back.  It’s 2008 now, 3 years later.  Which celebrities would you most like to see eaten by zombies?

Me - David and Victoria Beckham, the Olson Twins, Paris Hilton, Bono (I’m really getting sick of Bono), Jessica Simpson, Jessica Simpson’s father, and Kobe Bryant.

There’s my list.  What’s yours?

I hate the Lakers. I hate the Dodgers too, but I really hate the Lakers. In fact, I hate the Lakers so much that my favorite team is anyone playing the Lakers. No, I don’t follow basketball. I just hate the Lakers.

Have you ever noticed that whenever a ref calls a foul on the Lakers, they always show Jack Nickelson’s expression? I’m tired of seeing that. I don’t care how cool Jack might be, he’s not coming into my anti-zombie compound until he renounces his love the Lakers!

“Zombieslayer! Please! They’re coming!”

“You know the password, Jack.”

“Lakers suck!”

“I can’t hear you.”

“Lakers suck!”

“Ok, Spencer, let Jack in.”

I had a little “discussion” with fellow pretentious critic Badman yesterday. We were calling dibs on hot famous women. He went to see The Birthday Massacre last night in San Francisco.

No, I didn’t go. You know why I didn’t go? Tickets were $22.50 (not including the Evil Empire’s, I mean Ticketmaster’s inconvenience fee) and they weren’t even the headlining band. Some other band I never heard of was headlining, so I’m not spending $30 to see my dear Chibi for only a 35-40 minute set.

Still, I got dibs on Chibi. Yes, she’s much cuter in real life than this shot:

So when the plague starts, I got dibs on Chibi, Christina Ricci, and Monica Bellucci. He did get dibs on Keira Knightley which greatly pissed me off. I got Salma Hayek too, but I haven’t told him that yet. I hope that ruins his day.

Who do you got dibs on? Remember, you better do it now. The zombie plague starts a lot sooner than you realize.

Speaking of the zombie plague, some Democrats in the California Assembly are trying to get a $25 tax each time you buy ammo passed. So, they’re showing their true colors. They only want the rich to survive the zombie plague. Told you that you can’t trust them.

This post is a continuation from the previous post. I choose some entertainers, but a few of you chose from a more practical perspective. Well, can’t argue that. We do have to be practical, especially when resources will be limited and good old-fashioned skill sets will be needed.

Save list

A masseuse - Damn right I’m saving a masseuse. You know what it’s like to hold a rifle for eight hours when it’s your job for night duty? After getting your beauty sleep, you automatically get to be the first in line for the masseuse.

Also, a nurse, a dentist, and a carpenter. I don’t think I need to explain why. A plumber would be nice too, especially one who knows septic tanks.

A few more to let die

The person who invented menus on telephones. You know how you call a 1-800 number to get some help and it immediately goes to a menu, then sometimes even a second or third layer of menus? Then the customer service rep asks you the same questions you just answered in the menus. Well, that person who invented menus on telephones must die.

Just imagine, they’re at the door to your compound banging on the intercom. You answer the intercom like this:

You - Hello, and welcome to my anti-zombie compound. For English, press 1. Para español-

Menu inventor - There are no buttons to push! Let me in! The Zombies are coming closer!

You - For Tech Support, press 1. For Sales, press 2. For Service, press 3. For Advertising, press 4. To repeat these options-

Menu inventor - Come on! This isn’t funny! They’re getting closer!

You - I did not get your response. If you need to hear the options again, please press 5. If you need to speak to an Operator, press 0 or remain on the line.

Menu inventor - Aaaaaaaahhhhh!

(Zombies devour Menu inventor)

You know who else deserves to be zombie food? The person who schedules noon meetings. You’ve been at work for over three hours now and you’re starving. Then suddenly you get that flash on your screen. Meeting time.

“Nooooooooo!” Some idiot scheduled a noon meeting. Scratch them from the list of whom to allow in your anti-zombie compound when the plague starts.

To make things worse, your stomach is making noises that people on the other side of the door can hear. It’s not only hurting, but you’re starting to feel weak. Need calories. Now! But you can’t leave because there’s some moron who keeps asking questions and prolonging the meeting. Then it goes into a discussion and just when you think the discussion will end, that same moron turns it in another direction, prolonging the agony by another fifteen painful minutes.

That question person - no admittance. Yes, they’ll be zombie food as well.

Anyone else you want to add to the save list? Anyone else you want to add to the let die list?