The Zombieslayer

I hate the Lakers. I hate the Dodgers too, but I really hate the Lakers. In fact, I hate the Lakers so much that my favorite team is anyone playing the Lakers. No, I don’t follow basketball. I just hate the Lakers.

Have you ever noticed that whenever a ref calls a foul on the Lakers, they always show Jack Nickelson’s expression? I’m tired of seeing that. I don’t care how cool Jack might be, he’s not coming into my anti-zombie compound until he renounces his love the Lakers!

“Zombieslayer! Please! They’re coming!”

“You know the password, Jack.”

“Lakers suck!”

“I can’t hear you.”

“Lakers suck!”

“Ok, Spencer, let Jack in.”

I had a little “discussion” with fellow pretentious critic Badman yesterday. We were calling dibs on hot famous women. He went to see The Birthday Massacre last night in San Francisco.

No, I didn’t go. You know why I didn’t go? Tickets were $22.50 (not including the Evil Empire’s, I mean Ticketmaster’s inconvenience fee) and they weren’t even the headlining band. Some other band I never heard of was headlining, so I’m not spending $30 to see my dear Chibi for only a 35-40 minute set.

Still, I got dibs on Chibi. Yes, she’s much cuter in real life than this shot:

So when the plague starts, I got dibs on Chibi, Christina Ricci, and Monica Bellucci. He did get dibs on Keira Knightley which greatly pissed me off. I got Salma Hayek too, but I haven’t told him that yet. I hope that ruins his day.

Who do you got dibs on? Remember, you better do it now. The zombie plague starts a lot sooner than you realize.

Speaking of the zombie plague, some Democrats in the California Assembly are trying to get a $25 tax each time you buy ammo passed. So, they’re showing their true colors. They only want the rich to survive the zombie plague. Told you that you can’t trust them.

This post is a continuation from the previous post. I choose some entertainers, but a few of you chose from a more practical perspective. Well, can’t argue that. We do have to be practical, especially when resources will be limited and good old-fashioned skill sets will be needed.

Save list

A masseuse - Damn right I’m saving a masseuse. You know what it’s like to hold a rifle for eight hours when it’s your job for night duty? After getting your beauty sleep, you automatically get to be the first in line for the masseuse.

Also, a nurse, a dentist, and a carpenter. I don’t think I need to explain why. A plumber would be nice too, especially one who knows septic tanks.

A few more to let die

The person who invented menus on telephones. You know how you call a 1-800 number to get some help and it immediately goes to a menu, then sometimes even a second or third layer of menus? Then the customer service rep asks you the same questions you just answered in the menus. Well, that person who invented menus on telephones must die.

Just imagine, they’re at the door to your compound banging on the intercom. You answer the intercom like this:

You - Hello, and welcome to my anti-zombie compound. For English, press 1. Para español-

Menu inventor - There are no buttons to push! Let me in! The Zombies are coming closer!

You - For Tech Support, press 1. For Sales, press 2. For Service, press 3. For Advertising, press 4. To repeat these options-

Menu inventor - Come on! This isn’t funny! They’re getting closer!

You - I did not get your response. If you need to hear the options again, please press 5. If you need to speak to an Operator, press 0 or remain on the line.

Menu inventor - Aaaaaaaahhhhh!

(Zombies devour Menu inventor)

You know who else deserves to be zombie food? The person who schedules noon meetings. You’ve been at work for over three hours now and you’re starving. Then suddenly you get that flash on your screen. Meeting time.

“Nooooooooo!” Some idiot scheduled a noon meeting. Scratch them from the list of whom to allow in your anti-zombie compound when the plague starts.

To make things worse, your stomach is making noises that people on the other side of the door can hear. It’s not only hurting, but you’re starting to feel weak. Need calories. Now! But you can’t leave because there’s some moron who keeps asking questions and prolonging the meeting. Then it goes into a discussion and just when you think the discussion will end, that same moron turns it in another direction, prolonging the agony by another fifteen painful minutes.

That question person - no admittance. Yes, they’ll be zombie food as well.

Anyone else you want to add to the save list? Anyone else you want to add to the let die list?

For those of you who already have your guns, your water supplies, your food, your fuel, and are sitting around waiting for the plague to start, this post is for you.

Priorities. Besides saving yourself and your loved ones, who else do we save? Don’t worry, we’ll make sure Billy Rae Cyrus and his equally untalented daughter don’t make it. Neither will the Spears nor the Hiltons. Nor would any of the cast of High School Musical. Good riddance, I say.

Now, who do we save? Well, I won’t include people like Brett Favre because I have a strong feeling he and his family will be fine.

Dave Chapelle

I don’t think anyone in the last ten years has made me laugh harder than this man. He could do stand up while we’re sharpening our blades or reloading. Sure, Eddie Murphy’s stand up is better, but Chapelle’s a better writer and funnier all around.

If he comes with Charlie Murphy, an added bonus. I don’t know if Charlie would be hanging with Dave or Eddie when the plague starts though. I guess it’s all up to Fate.

Monica Bellucci

Several hot Italian actresses have battled it out for The Zombieslayer’s favorite, and Monica Bellucci has come out on top. Unlike the others, Bellucci can really act. I know I’m a sucker for a nice body, but Bellucci has both. We’ll see if she can make the transition to comedy in Dave’s routines.

Actually, I don’t think us guys in the audience would care. She could suck but us guys will still watch, especially if she dresses down.

I should actually go to my domain provider and see if savemonicabellucci.com is available and set up a Paypal account to save up money to get Monica a plane ticket to my anti-zombie compound. I’m sure she’ll accept. She knows the plague is starting, and with Italian efficiency, dang right she’d take the offer.

The Mongolian Throat Singers

You all know how much I’m into Tchaikovsky and Brahms. The good thing is they’ve died two centuries ago, and we have plenty of their recordings that will survive long after the human race rebuilds itself after the zombie plague is over.

The bad news is the Mongolian Throat Singers are a tradition taught from generation to generation. If none of them survive the zombie plague, nobody will be able to figure out how to do the amazing things they do with their vocal chords.

Did you know the Mongolian Throat Singers can sing two or even three different notes at the same time? Anyone who can sing more than one note at the same time needs to be saved from the zombies.

So, besides family and close friends, who do you save?

There are many stories of how the upcoming zombie plague will begin. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead stated that the zombie plague happened because of a meteor. The 80s zombie comedy Return of the Living Dead was caused by a military experiment gone wrong. 28 Days Later was caused by a virus tested on primates that escaped a lab.

Recently, Will Smith in I Am Legend had to fight zombies caused by a scientist’s “cure” for cancer.

Now, Neal has an excellent explanation of the upcoming zombie plague. It’s psychiatric testing on humans and pharmaceutical greed. Read his article called “Are We All Nuts?” Guaranteed to scare you, because it’s true.

Living in a politically correct city, I hear the jokes all the time about how Billy Bob Countryboy sleeps with his sister and screws sheep. Ha ha. Same jokes for over a thousand years and hundreds of different cultures. Yes, even the Ancient Romans had these same jokes. Sure they’re funny. Making fun of people who are not you is ALWAYS a funny thing.

But who’s more likely to survive when the zombie plague starts? Well, let’s take a look at Max Cityboy’s versus Billy Bob Countryboy’s skill sets.

Billy Bob Countryboy
- can skin, gut, and prepare animals for Mrs. Countryboy to cook
- can tan hides
- can grow food
- can tell when a storm is comin’
- can get that vehicle that should have been junked a decade ago running
- can make a single shot kill shot at 200 yards without a scope
- knows how to collect water
- already trained his dog to do a lot of the dirty work

On other other hand, Max Cityboy
- can talk really loud on his cell phone
- is good at looking busy at work, whether he has work to do or not
- can shuffle papers around
- can keep up with the Joneses by maxing out his credit cards
- knows all the latest stock tips
- can fill up his SUV, which he REALLY needs to get him through the rugged off-road terrain you’ll find in the suburbs
- knows the best bottle of wine for $20, the latest movies that Siskel & Ebert both gave thumbs up to, and all the hot new fashions
- reminds you constantly of how cultured and worldly he is

I don’t know about y’all, but I’ll put my money on Billy Bob Countryboy when the zombies come, even if he sleeps with his sister and screws sheep. Max Cityboy has some neat-o skill sets, but nothing that would really help in the upcoming zombie plague. Talking about biting the hand that feeds.