The Zombieslayer

For those of you who already have your guns, your water supplies, your food, your fuel, and are sitting around waiting for the plague to start, this post is for you.

Priorities. Besides saving yourself and your loved ones, who else do we save? Don’t worry, we’ll make sure Billy Rae Cyrus and his equally untalented daughter don’t make it. Neither will the Spears nor the Hiltons. Nor would any of the cast of High School Musical. Good riddance, I say.

Now, who do we save? Well, I won’t include people like Brett Favre because I have a strong feeling he and his family will be fine.

Dave Chapelle

I don’t think anyone in the last ten years has made me laugh harder than this man. He could do stand up while we’re sharpening our blades or reloading. Sure, Eddie Murphy’s stand up is better, but Chapelle’s a better writer and funnier all around.

If he comes with Charlie Murphy, an added bonus. I don’t know if Charlie would be hanging with Dave or Eddie when the plague starts though. I guess it’s all up to Fate.

Monica Bellucci

Several hot Italian actresses have battled it out for The Zombieslayer’s favorite, and Monica Bellucci has come out on top. Unlike the others, Bellucci can really act. I know I’m a sucker for a nice body, but Bellucci has both. We’ll see if she can make the transition to comedy in Dave’s routines.

Actually, I don’t think us guys in the audience would care. She could suck but us guys will still watch, especially if she dresses down.

I should actually go to my domain provider and see if savemonicabellucci.com is available and set up a Paypal account to save up money to get Monica a plane ticket to my anti-zombie compound. I’m sure she’ll accept. She knows the plague is starting, and with Italian efficiency, dang right she’d take the offer.

The Mongolian Throat Singers

You all know how much I’m into Tchaikovsky and Brahms. The good thing is they’ve died two centuries ago, and we have plenty of their recordings that will survive long after the human race rebuilds itself after the zombie plague is over.

The bad news is the Mongolian Throat Singers are a tradition taught from generation to generation. If none of them survive the zombie plague, nobody will be able to figure out how to do the amazing things they do with their vocal chords.

Did you know the Mongolian Throat Singers can sing two or even three different notes at the same time? Anyone who can sing more than one note at the same time needs to be saved from the zombies.

So, besides family and close friends, who do you save?

There are many stories of how the upcoming zombie plague will begin. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead stated that the zombie plague happened because of a meteor. The 80s zombie comedy Return of the Living Dead was caused by a military experiment gone wrong. 28 Days Later was caused by a virus tested on primates that escaped a lab.

Recently, Will Smith in I Am Legend had to fight zombies caused by a scientist’s “cure” for cancer.

Now, Neal has an excellent explanation of the upcoming zombie plague. It’s psychiatric testing on humans and pharmaceutical greed. Read his article called “Are We All Nuts?” Guaranteed to scare you, because it’s true.

Living in a politically correct city, I hear the jokes all the time about how Billy Bob Countryboy sleeps with his sister and screws sheep. Ha ha. Same jokes for over a thousand years and hundreds of different cultures. Yes, even the Ancient Romans had these same jokes. Sure they’re funny. Making fun of people who are not you is ALWAYS a funny thing.

But who’s more likely to survive when the zombie plague starts? Well, let’s take a look at Max Cityboy’s versus Billy Bob Countryboy’s skill sets.

Billy Bob Countryboy
- can skin, gut, and prepare animals for Mrs. Countryboy to cook
- can tan hides
- can grow food
- can tell when a storm is comin’
- can get that vehicle that should have been junked a decade ago running
- can make a single shot kill shot at 200 yards without a scope
- knows how to collect water
- already trained his dog to do a lot of the dirty work

On other other hand, Max Cityboy
- can talk really loud on his cell phone
- is good at looking busy at work, whether he has work to do or not
- can shuffle papers around
- can keep up with the Joneses by maxing out his credit cards
- knows all the latest stock tips
- can fill up his SUV, which he REALLY needs to get him through the rugged off-road terrain you’ll find in the suburbs
- knows the best bottle of wine for $20, the latest movies that Siskel & Ebert both gave thumbs up to, and all the hot new fashions
- reminds you constantly of how cultured and worldly he is

I don’t know about y’all, but I’ll put my money on Billy Bob Countryboy when the zombies come, even if he sleeps with his sister and screws sheep. Max Cityboy has some neat-o skill sets, but nothing that would really help in the upcoming zombie plague. Talking about biting the hand that feeds.

Here’s a quick but incomplete list of tips for when the zombie plague starts.

First, you want to be in the shape for the terrain you’re in. For example, if you’re in North Dakota, you don’t want to be skinny, especially come winter time. If you’re in a desert, you don’t want to be overweight.

You may have to travel long distances carrying a lot of weight, especially if you have small children. Do you have a good backpack that is properly weighted? If not, pick one up immediately.

Do you have dogs? If so, do you have dog packs? The Cheyenne made wonderful use of dogs for carrying supplies. In fact, until the horse came to the New World, the Cheyenne used dogs as their main animal for carrying the small but important things.

Are you in shape to carry a backpack long distances through your climate in any season? If not, seriously consider what it would take to get in that kind of shape.

Martial Arts

I’ve had a lot of people ask me what kind of martial arts should they train for a zombie assault. I simply tell them this. You’re not trying to win a UFC. You simply want to survive. Anything that can get you bitten will get you killed. You want to avoid contact as much as possible and if you have to use any martial arts, you’d want to do things like a push kick or a quick throw.

So Judo is good, Jiu-Jitsu bad. Boxing, out of the question. Remember, you’re not trying to be tough. You’re simply trying to minimize any physical contact.

Weapons

The inevitable question of weapons comes up often. What kind of weapons should you own to protect yourself against zombies? Keep in mind, to slay a zombie, you need to penetrate its brain. For me personally, I like Japanese swords.

Do not buy “display” quality swords. These will give you a false sense of security. In real combat, they will break.

For guns, the very guns that Dianne Feinstein (Democratic Senator from California) wants to ban are the best things against zombies. You sometimes have to wonder if she’s a misanthrope and actually is rooting for the zombies to win.

You want the civilian version of a military rifle. You want to be semi-automatic, NOT full-automatic. Keep in mind, you’re going to need rounds. Do not waste them, and learn to make every shot count.

I do not like handguns, but you should have at least one just in case. Handguns have a very short range and are inaccurate, but they’ll buy you time. Time is the key here. And they weigh very little, something you’ll be thankful for if you have to abandon your home base and travel a long distance.

Practice, practice, practice

I cannot emphasize this enough. Can you make a head shot at 50 meters? At 100 meters? If not, then you should be at the gun range this very weekend. Cancel that Las Vegas vacation. Training is more important.

Don’t get overconfident either. It’s easy making your shots when you have time. But can you make your shots when you’re surrounded by zombies?

I’ll do food and water another day. I’ll also discuss things like scurvy, things a lot of intelligent people overlook. Until then, be safe, be prepared, and keep practicing your head shots.